To See or Not to See: The Problem With Racial Colorblindness

My soon to be three year old daughter sees a person's color. It's as simple as that. She describes herself as brown, her mother as pink, and me, her dad, as a "different" brown. I bring this up because I feel there are still far too many people who believe in the concept of "racial colorblindness". I've encountered this concept as a student, teacher, director of diversity, family member, and parent. Even though people who I have heard say they are "colorblind" usually do so with the best intentions, that does not make it any less problematic. I ask those people to see me. I am Black. My Blackness is an essential part of who I am. Don't take that away from me, please. Accept it. Embrace it. Respect it. I would also ask not to deny a part of my daughter's multiracial background. What I would prefer is to not be solely defined by my color. 
Why is this concept so problematic? Because it is what I call classic diversity deflection. Many diversity themed discussions focus on some of the core diversity identifiers: race, socio-economic status/class, sexual orientation, religion, ability. What I have seen so often during my time as a director of diversity is that people are still quite fearful of discussions about race. They will say that we have already talked about this, which ignores and demeans the complexities of the topic. Or, they will deflect, unknowingly, the conversation to a different focus, usually class. Why that topic? Because it is one where people of different races can be on equal footing. And it helps people find a way to relate to racism. Once again, this happens with the best of intentions. However, it does take away from the task at hand, which is deconstructing racism. 

There are a few things you can do to recover from the affliction of racial colorblindness.
1) Understand that discussing race should not be feared.
2) If you are fearful of saying something that makes you sound racist, it's because you are racist. But guess what, according to an interesting theory, we are all recovering racists or purveyors of prejudice. Here is the theory explained.

"In America there are only racists and recovering racists. It is like alcoholism. There is no point at which you are rid of it completely – racist thinking is too much a part of American culture. No one completely escapes it, not even people of color." For more, click here.

3) To become a true white ally and/or anti-racist advocate, educate yourself. Seek help, but challenge yourself to broaden your knowledge on your own, because not all people of color want to educate white folks about their experience.
4) Expose yourself to the rich tapestry that is this country. You can do so through travel, film, books, and food. Yes, the internet can be helpful in this. 
5) Most people of color acknowledge they are people of color. You can, too. Just avoid doing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eJCZf7tNLs&feature=player_embedded

Finally, check out these articles that focus on the theory of colorblind. 

Colorblind Notion Aside, Colleges Grapple With Racial Tension

7 Things Your Colorblind Racist Friend Might Say to You and How to Respond

Defying Stereotypes

Although I write this blog as a way of processing my experience as a father, it has been so nice to have a handful of faithful followers support this effort. It's time I give props to each of them. I thank my wife, of course, and my friends, Lindsay and Lorne, for their continued support. In addition, I thank my mother for the opportunity to occasionally debrief one of my entries. It has been important for me to receive some affirmation for this work. Ok, back to the blog.

Two years ago, I made the decision to stay home with my daughter and walk away from a job and place of employment I truly enjoyed. At the time, it was one of the harder decisions I had to make. Thankfully, I had the support of my wife, who was really the only person who understood just how stressful the decision was for me, even though we basically made the call to do this during the summer before my last full year of working at that school. Towards the end of that final year there, the head of the school made an announcement about my impending departure later than usual, due in large part to my having been a finalist for two middle school division head positions. I eventually learned that there were people who for some reason didn't believe me. They felt that I must have been fired. There's no way I chose to be home with my daughter. I still remember the look of a former colleague who basically stinkfaced me when I told her why I was not returning. To be honest, I thank this person for that look, which in some ways reminded me to live life to the fullest. Without that look, I might not have developed an amazingly rich bond with my daughter, taken a photo with Jay-Z, been in a TimeOut Kids photo shoot and a CBS News report with my daughter, volunteered to be a class parent at my daughter's preschool, been in a segment on the Dr. Oz show, met Freckleface Strawberry herself, Julianne Moore, been able to teach English part time at an amazing organization for gifted students of color, and write this blog! To this day, I remain convinced that if I were a woman, the perception would have been quite different. It's never fun to be the one who is different. Trust me, I know this as a black man who has spent much of his life in independent schools and an interracial marriage. Hopefully, what I have done and will continue to do will affect some change of attitude. 

Close to a year ago, I joined a group with many other SAHDs (yes, we have an acronym!) I've thankfully connected with fellow dad bloggers (Shout out again to Lorne Jaffe and his blog!) and found a wonderful support network that I tap into when needed. I tell everyone that will listen that it's a good time to be an at home dad. 

Well, not everyone agrees with this. I recently watched a segment on the daytime talk show, Bethenny. The segment was to focus on SAHDs. Instead, it led to three SAHDs basically defending themselves and others from some old father and male stereotypes. Check out the segment here. The fathers were so fantastic. (Way to go, Lance Somerfeld, one of the founders of the dad's group I joined.) Thankfully, another one of the dads wrote an incredibly thoughtful response to the show experience. A must read! 

Look, I am not looking for sympathy. I know that there are still certainly advantages to my being a man. It just seems like it is time for more openmindedness and a willingness to not perpetuate antiquated stereotypes. I am proud to be a SAHD and grateful for this life changing opportunity. I will continue to use this blog as a way of affirming my SAHD status as well as my fellow fathers doing work. In addition, I promise not to use that acronym as much as I did in this entry. :) 

Supporting Mental Health

I wanted to share a recent segment from the ESPN show, Outside the Lines. It had a major effect on me as a parent. A parent can only hope that his or her child will receive the care and understanding that one deserves, especially at school. I feel for the parents of this young woman and hope others will not have to fill a similar loss. We must remember that there is no norm. We don't all think the same way or learn the same way or emote the same way. We are all different, and that must be embraced and respected. 

You can watch the video here.

Here is an article about this unfortunate incident here. 

I Will Not Stand Quietly.

Dear Dr. King,

Happy Birthday, Sir. It's that time of year again when we spend time celebrating your enduring legacy. What a legacy it is! Thank you for your efforts, your determination, your confidence, and your focus. I promise you that I will not spend this time on some luxurious weekend skiing or sunning. I will spend this time paying proper tribute to all that you sacrificed to help make my current family an honest reality. You know what, Dr. King? I don't just think about you for a couple of days or weeks in January. I try to do some level of this good work 365, 24/7. I remain committed to fighting this fight and hope that the people in my family's life will join this if they have not already done so. But, I can only truly speak of my efforts. Here's what I promise, Dr. King. I will not stand quietly. You did not do what you did for people to be bystanders. Ignorance and bigotry will not reign supreme in my presence. To those who feel they need to question my choice of spouse and the racial makeup of my daughter, I will not stand quietly. To those who hide behind the first amendment, religion, liberalism, or conservatism so that they can say hurtful things, and to those who blindly and ignorantly defend those people without thinking of the often life threatening consequences of those statements, I will not stand quietly. To those who try to excuse racism for some reason without trying to understand why someone had his or her feelings hurt, I will not stand quietly. I owe you and the people who came before me this vigilant approach. After all, you once said that, "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Once again, I thank you, Dr. King.

2013.

2013 was a monumental year for me. So much happened that I thought I should write a blog entry running through this amazing year. 

January 

My wife and I attended the Presidential Inauguration. I still regret not making every effort to attend President Obama's first inauguration, but thankfully, we were to still be a part of history. We even ran into W. Kamau Bell. I was able to attend a taping of Totally Biased a fee days later as well and talk to Bell after the taping.

February 

Jenelle's Ravens won the Super Bowl, which is the third total Super Bowl total our favorite NFL teams have won during our relationship/marriage.

My daughter experienced her first big snowfall. She was so fascinated by snow. 

We also visited and were admitted to preschool with minimal stress and drama. 

Finally, we took our daughter to Sesame Street Live.

March

2nd birthday! Crazy Sesame Street money! Jenelle's half marathon, Soccer class starts. Aunt Lindsay visits!

April

I went to LA for the first time. Dodgers, high school friends, and the best host ever! No more daycare for my daughter.

May 

Graduation from Columbia. Masters Degree! 'Nuff Said.

June

Liberty Father's Day game! Photobombing Allan Houston.

I started to attend events with the NYC Dad's group. And just like that, my daughter and I were featured in Time Out for Kids and CBS News pieces. I also went to the NBA Draft and witnessed a fellow Bucknellian get drafted!

http://youtu.be/TLkPCyVXqYQ

July

MLB Fanfest. Potty training!

SI Yanks-running the bases! (And no issues with nap or potty.) My daughter's 1st Haircut. And I met Aisha Tyler!

August

We moved to Harlem. Back home.

I appeared on The Dr. Oz Show. Topless.

Big girl bed for my kid! And no more pacifier. Jay-Z/Justin Show. What a great gift for my Master's, J!

http://youtu.be/AZjTV0F_0iA

September 

Preschool! A truly great fit for my child. She was so ready. I returned to the classroom part time. Seems quite right. I turned 40. And got a Tag Heuer. Sweet!

October

Vegas for my 40th! I even had a good friend come, too. Yay, Lindsay!

I met Nick Offerman a.k.a. Ron Swanson! Halloween was fun as my daughter was Andy Summers of The Police and Wonder Woman.

November 

My daughter and I met Julianne Moore at a book signing. Our 5th Wedding Anniversary, and we did a stay-cation in Manhattan. We also took C. bowling for the first time.

December

We had an amazing family photo shoot that focused more on our daughter. We have considered modeling for her on and off, but after seeing her temperament during the session, as well as the photos, it's time to pursue this. Luscious Jackson returned, and we went to see them perform. I even danced with them on stage!  

We went to see some of my former players play hoops. C loved it.

And we witnessed her first school performance.

http://youtu.be/83gHdO0Dhvg

Oh yeah. I also found time to start writing this blog again, for real this time. A truly amazing year. Can 2014 top it? Only time will tell.

Santa? Gifts? Kwanzaa? Questions for the holiday season.

I just want to begin by saying I began writing this entry three weeks ago. Thankfully, I waited, because there has been so much about my primary topic in the news lately. 

                            ----------------------------------------------

I have celebrated Christmas my entire life. However, I don't enjoy what I feel the holiday season has become. I am not a Grinch. Or a Scrooge. I am not a big fan of Santa Claus. I don't hold it against people who are. Seriously. My issues with Santa started, not surprisingly, when I was young. I grew up believing in the myth, but began to have questions at age 5. I grew up in the projects and barely saw white people in my community. I just didn't entirely believe that I wouldn't notice a white dude walking around with a big ol' bag of gifts in my neighborhood. Someone would have mentioned him. Then, there was the lack of a chimney and the numerous Santas stationed around NYC. I didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that Santa wasn't real. What I couldn't understand then and still have issues with now is why anyone would want to give credit for being thoughtful to some random stranger. So, my wife and I have discussed how we might want to integrate something like Santa into our daughter's Christmas experience. My wife's biggest fear is absolutely legitimate. She does not want the child who spoils Christmas for the other children in her class that celebrate it. As a big fan of pop culture, who wants the kid who doesn't at least say, "Spoiler Alert!" before ruining Christmas. All I know is I want my child to know that someone cares about her enough to give her a gift. It's not that I want credit from her, but I think she should know that her family and friends are generous and thoughtful. I feel so many of us give during this season out of obligation and not out of love and selflessness. Here is a very interesting article about gift giving that gave me pause. Truly.

http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/life/celebrate/20131024/the-gift-of-not-giving-a-thing

Now back to Kringle. Santa might represent an aspect of Christmas, but I feel objects/symbols like him do take away from what the holiday is supposed to represent: the birth of Christ. Christmas has become bigger than that. 

All of this probably makes me more of a Linus Van Pelt. Remember this.

http://youtu.be/CojUP5nRidA

Clearly, I am not the only person who finds Santa Claus problematic. It all began with the following article.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/holidays/2013/12/santa_claus_an_old_white_man_not_anymore_meet_santa_the_penguin_a_new_christmas.html

If you read this and felt the author was trying to literally incite a massive change in society by protest and rioting, then I might understand the pure anger behind this. 

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/megyn-kelly-for-all-you-kids-watching-at-home-santa-just-is-white-video

As is often the case, Jon Stewart weighed in on this maelstrom.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4440054?ncid=txtlnkushpmg00000037&ir=Politics

As did others.

http://www.esquire.com/_mobile/blogs/news/fox-news-ignore-stuff?src=spr_FBPAGE&spr_id=1456_35231869

http://www.msnbc.com/disrupt/watch/santa-claus-and-race-baiting-91157059782

http://www.msnbc.com/politicsnation/watch/white-santa-controversy-boils-90253379869

http://www.salon.com/2013/12/16/stop_saying_santa_is_white/

http://www.esquire.com/_mobile/blogs/news/fox-news-ignore-stuff?src=spr_FBPAGE&spr_id=1456_35231869

So, my takeaway is that it was certainly worth a discussion with my wife about Santa Claus, Christmas imagery, and the dismissal by some of other meaningful holidays during these winter months. Because of these conversations, my family and I are strongly considering celebrating Kwanzaa this year, in addition to Christmas. As of now, we acknowledge Santa, more as a spirit of Christmas, then as a chimney hopping visitor. We'll see how long that lasts. Might have to do some creative storytelling with my daughter. Happy Holidays! 

What Do I Share With My Daughter?

I would like to preface this by saying that I speak from the "I" perspective. 

My wife and I believe in speaking with our child clearly, fairly, and intelligently. We have done so since birth. We are happy to have our thinking validated.
http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/01/the-key-to-smarter-kids-talk-to-them/

For us, we didn't adopt "baby talk" since we don't believe in talking down to her. We believe in speaking appropriately to her. I'm often reminded of a line from To Kill a Mockingbird. "Mrs Merriweather was one of those childless adults who find it necessary to assume a different tone of voice when speaking to children." We certainly encounter this phenomenon with not only strangers, but also friends and family. At least they're not as bad as what we endured at a recent playdate at a famous chain of children's party and gym spots. They added "ie" to the end of everything. You haven't lived until you've heard the word "ballie" twenty times in a five minute stretch. I am not immune to this. As much as I try, I still find that I refer to myself in the dreaded 3rd person. My daughter is old enough now so I certainly don't have to speak to her in this patronizing fashion. I have made big strides with this though. 

We also don't use slang or goofy words for things that don't need them. For instance, no Boo Boo, but a scratch. What is a Boo Boo anyway? She uses words like vagina, penis, and nipple as well. I thank Logan Levkoff and her fantastic work for inspiring us and our approach. There is no reason to fear using the correct terms. If you don't know her work, check our her website and blog on the Huffington Post using the links below. Thanks, again, Logan!
http://www.loganlevkoff.com
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-logan-levkoff/

However, there is more to all of this talk about talk. We are also thinking about how we speak to our daughter about bigger issues. Not too long ago, I had an interesting conversation with my wife. (Borderline debate actually. And it's not over yet either.) We've tried to let our now 2.5 year old daughter forge her own identity by offering lots and lots of things and people as possible influences.  
So, our conversation became interesting when we started to discuss our child's library. As a former independent school diversity director, I feel that a diverse library is essential. Books that challenge stereotypes, show a variety of family configurations, and have characters that look like our multiracial daughter are a must.
Where my wife and I started to differ was how much do we influence her political views. What this debate really came down to was how we were each raised. My wife says she was raised without any discussion of politics. Her parents focused on the importance of treating people with respect. I grew up differently. Although following the golden rule was just as essential in my upbringing, I was raised to be very aware of my race. And that others would also be aware of my race. We watched Roots, which continues to have an impact on me. We listened to Dr. King's I Have a Dream speech. I was read Stories for Free Children from Ms. Magazine. I was taken to pro-choice rallies. My mother worked for women's organizations. At those organizations, I befriended some of my mother's lesbian co-workers, some of whom are lesbians, who taught me a valuable lesson that love is love. My mother truly wanted me to be a more modern and sensitive male. (Think it worked, Mom. Thanks.) 

This debate and my contemplation after have led me to these conclusions.

1) I am convinced that people in underrepresented groups do not have the luxury or privilege of being quiet and letting views develop on their own, especially when fighting for civil rights is part of your history.

2) I remain convinced that by the general nature of my daughter's "village" and her diverse library, she would most likely lean liberal. 

But, are we obligated to raise a child to believe the same essential things that we hold true? It seems as if the majority of the people who support these essentials (i.e. marriage equality, fair pay for women, racism still exists) are liberal and Democrats. Should we subtly and not so subtly influence her to vote along these same party lines? I am thinking more and more that the answer to this is yes. Not because I want to impose my will. But because I feel it is the right thing to do. And I want our family to be on the right side of history when it comes to these issues. To be fair, my wife makes some great points about holding back the political nature of some of our comments. I just wish some of these issues were not so politicized. So, we will continue this conversation.