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My Favorite Pop Culture Pops

I initially started this in February, wanting to create an entry about Black Pop Culture Dads, but I really wanted to include Coach Taylor of Friday Night Lights. So, I decided to make a list of my favorite pop culture dads. I hope people will read this and share his or her favorites. After much internal debate, here are my favorite pop culture pops. They are my favorites for a variety of reasons. Caring, funny, real, admirable. These fathers have inspired many of us and even mortified us. So, without further ado, here is my list.

Cliff Huxtable

Although I am not ranking, how can I not begin with one of the best dads ever portrayed. Pretty much everyone I knew at the time the Cosby Show was on the air wanted Cliff to be their pop. He was kind, funny, and full of wisdom. And the love he displayed for his family was beautiful.

Coach Taylor

Another NBC dad. Coach Taylor was far from perfect and certainly evolved as a thoughtful husband during the last season. But, his loyalty and devotion are admirable. Not to mention how dedicated his was to his players as people. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose Forever!

Chris Gardner

O.k., I know. Chris Gardner is a real person. However, since that movie had to take some liberty in his story, he counts as a pop culture dad. Gardner's story is amazing. His entire motivation was selfless. Everything was for his son. The sacrifices. The elimination of his ego. The willingness to work for nothing, just for a slim chance of success. He is the ultimate dad. Although I wish I had a father who fought for me in the same way, I know that my daughter certainly does. 

Furious (Boyz N the Hood)

Seriously, how tough was he. Spouting poetic wisdom every minute on screen.

Gerry Lane-Brad Pitt

World War Z

Look, there just aren't stay at home action heroes. He's damn awesome. 

Homer Simpson

Although he sometimes forgets his youngest child's name, it's probably because of the continuous brain trauma and not because he doesn't love them. He does. Unconditionally.

Here is my favorite Homer scene.

Admiral William Adama

So say we all. 'Nuff said.

Fred Sanford

He's the big one, Elizabeth!

Jack Bauer

He really does what he does to protect his daughter, dammit!

Bryan Mills

He has a very particular set of skills that make him the ideal dad. If you forgot what those were . . .

Burt Hummel

On a more serious note, I end with this father. I, like a lot of folks, watched and enjoyed the first season of Glee. One of the more touching aspects of the show, was the relationship between the character Kurt Hummel, a gay teenager, and his father, Burt. The pure love shown by this father towards his son makes me teary just thinking about it. He supports his son and does not judge him. Burt evolves as a person and parent. This is one of my favorite portrayals of a father.

There are obviously many other portrayals of fathers out in pop culture. However, these are the ones that are most memorable to me. I hope you might make your own list!

Happy Father's Day to all my fellow fathers out there!

Five Essential Gifts For New Dads

Although I am still a relatively new dad with a three year old daughter, I feel it is my solemn duty to offer some fantastic gift ideas for fathers who are joining or have recently joined this awesome club. 

Protective Gear (Cup & Mouthpiece)

Yes, I really wish I had known just how many times my daughter would accidentally slug my penis. At least I think it was by accident. She might just be trying to secure her only child status for the long term. In addition, the shots to my jaw have led to a fear of a chipped tooth. I am pretty certain that my daughter is partly responsible for a loose tooth I had removed. I think it was the poet, Ice Cube, who once said protect yourself or you might wreck yourself. Or maybe it was Young MC. Too many shots to the grill have affected my memory.

A Smart Phone

There are so many wonderful moments you will be able to document with a smartphone. I use an Apple iPhone. It works quite well with my Apple iPad and my Apple MacBook Air. (Hey, you think that product placement might secure an Apple sponsorship?) 

Handkerchiefs

Seriously, there might be moments that make you cry. I discussed recently how much more often I cry now as a parent. http://thebrowngothamite.blogspot.com/2014/05/waterworks.html

Nice monogram handkerchiefs are a wonderful idea, so you don't have to worry about blowing your nose on a shirt. (Although my shirt and pants have certainly been privy to my daughter's snot.) In addition, I have discovered that baby wipes are fantastic. So soft and moist on your nose. And they smell wonderful, too! No, seriously, I carry around a package of baby wipes even when my daughter is not around. Apparently, you can put a price on comfort - $3.99 at Duane Reade.

Comfortable Shoes/Sneakers

I have gone through my fair share. I decided that I needed a pair to not only protect my feet from wear and tear, but to also protect them from my daughter and her accidental drops of items that somehow always hit my arthritic toe. Seriously, this kid's aim is insane. She is like Bullseye from Marvel's Daredevil (coming soon to Netflix). Now that I think of it, she might just be trying to hurt me. Maybe I should just suggest sneakers to run from harm's way.

A Good Travel/Diaper Bag

I love being prepared. I tried a few diaper bags. Honestly, most of them lacked any sense of style or function. Finally, I found one that doesn't just look like a toy. It even charges electronic devices. http://www.timbuk2.com  It works quite well with my Apple iPhone. :)

Happy Father's Day!

I am a Loser.

Apparently, I am a loser. At least that is according to the so called experts. I've heard from these experts my entire life.

These are the experts who said that my being raised by a single mother was problematic at best. 

These are the experts who felt that a woman raising a boy was just as problematic. 

These are the experts who felt that sending me to an educational program during the summer would make me a nerd. And we know what happens to nerds at school. 

These are the experts who said that my attending an all boys school that has produced such alumni as Disney's former CEO Michael Eisner, Academy Award Winner Michael Douglas, Emmy Winner Richard Thomas, Jaws author Peter Benchley, The Weitz Brothers, Writer/Producer Zak Penn, journalist Benjy Sarlin, and acclaimed director Sean Durkin among others would scar me for life.

These are the experts who questioned my attending a boarding school.

These are the experts who thought that I had wasted my education by becoming a teacher.

These are the experts who thought that teaching in independent schools was also a waste because I should be helping public school children and not the children of color who attend independent school.

These experts also questioned my marrying a white woman as a black man.

Now, experts are claiming that I am not a man because I chose to be an at home father. You see these experts claim that there is only one definition of masculinity, and that is being the primary breadwinner for a family. Anything else is part of the emasculation of America.

I have dealt with being narrowly defined all my life, as I have also been told by some of those experts that I was not black enough due to my desire to be educated and speak a certain way. Little did they know the sheer amount of time I have spent aiding the development of black youth in almost two decades in education. 

So, if I am a loser to these misguided, shortsighted individuals who embrace stereotypes, then fine. I am a loser. The biggest, most satisfied loser I know. This loser is loved. This loser is happy. 

And to those experts . . . I have spent my entire life proving you wrong. Why should I stop now?

The Fly Problem

I am ashamed of my thoughts. My daughter was afraid and all I could think about were my fears.

The day started as most have the last few years. Happiness. Love expressed throughout our family. But this day was special. It was a family day. Mommy, Daddy, and Camilla were all about spending time together and having fun. The weather was good, so we decided to venture to our local playground. Camilla was scooting and having a blast. We went to the bigger kids section of the playground, and watched our daughter not only play with some new friends but run, climb, and slide all over that place. You know, it is a joy to behold. Then, it happened. She saw flies on the slide. All of a sudden, she was frozen in fear at the top of slide, clutching the pole. We thought she had been injured, but my sweet, fun loving daughter was afraid. She did not want to slide because of these flies. After securing her safety, we began to speak with her about her fear. We explained that these flies were much more afraid of her due to her size. However, Camilla was not budging. We wanted her to attempt to conquer this fear, otherwise it was going to be a long summer. Playdates, summer concerts, and the joys of the track and turf we frequent might be on hold. We asked her if it looked as if the other children were afraid of flies. She said no. We could tell we made progress with that comment. She was clearly beginning to process and use logic. My wife said to not let those flies take away your fun. This comment definitely helped, because she was willing to walk back to the slide. At this moment, I decided to share a fear that I had. I told Camilla that I am very much fearful of bees. I asked her if she could tell that when we have encountered bees. She said no. I explained that you can still have fun and be yourself and have fears. Thankfully, our discussions with Camilla led her to decide to try the slide again. And enjoy her time outside. Crisis averted. For now.

But, I am not pleased with my thoughts. I shamefully began to think about what this meant for me and not her when she initially expressed her fear. I started to feel embarrassed. I did not immediately think about how to aid my daughter. I am not entirely sure why this was the case. This is certainly not the way I have approached my marriage and my parenting. I have been a much more selfless person since I met my wife. Perhaps I had an Okonkwo moment. The character from Things Fall Apart puts an unfair amount of pressure on his children based on his disappointing relationship with his father. I know all too well about disappointing relationships with a father. Perhaps it is impossible not to deal with your personal baggage as a parent. I believe now that my challenge is not to let this baggage handcuff me. I can have expectations of her, but they must be fair and realistic. I need to provide support when she needs it. I need to show her my humanity. 

For my thoughts, I remain ashamed. But, I promise this much. I will put aside my fears the next time she is fearful. I'm putting her needs way ahead of what someone else might think of my daughter.

I will continue to aid Camilla's development into the best Camilla she can be. I can live with that.

Laughter, Tears, and Braids: A Father's Journey Through Losing His Wife to Cancer By Bruce Ham

I recently did this review for the NYC Dads Group.

"Different people take on different roles

as you move through illness."

One of the situations anyone who has a spouse or partner fears most is the loss of said spouse or partner. This situation is exasperated when there are children involved. This is what unfortunately happened to Bruce Ham.
In his harrowing, yet inspirational book, Laughter, Tears, and Braids: A Father's Journey Through Losing His Wife to Cancer, Ham shares just how challenging losing one's spouse at a young age can be. It takes great courage to write about such a life altering event. For that reason alone, this book is a must read.
However, it is Ham's brutally honest and revealing storytelling inLaughter, Tears, and Braids that makes this book so memorable. 

"I spent the majority of my life  waiting for this moment.

I was raised to expect that the worst possible thing would happen."

Ham takes on his journey. He rediscovers what it means to be a parent and a role model. 

"On the day we inurned her mother,

on what would have been her 40th birthday,

my oldest daughter started her period.

She was becoming a woman.

And in a way, I guess, I was becoming a man."

Ham's writing shows how gifted he is at crafting stories. It is hard not to become invested in Ham and his daughters. He shares emails and journal entries that reveal just how daunting this experience was for he and his wife. From the wait to see if his wife could physically handle chemotherapy to a debate over a vasectomy, Ham takes us through each decision in a thoughtful and insightful manner. His openness is on full display throughout this book. He shares when he was scared, confused, and proud. 

As depressing as the first two-thirds of the book is, the remaining third is truly inspirational. It is difficult not to be impressed with Ham's resolve, especially as a parent. I recommend reading Laughter, Tears, and Braids since it is reminder of how much life experiences continue our evolution as people. 

Waterworks

FYI. There are some spoilers in this entry. Read at your own risk. :)

I love being a husband and father. Truly. People offered advice to me on being both. Honestly, nearly all of it was not helpful. Or honest. You see, I think they were holding back. All everyone focused on was poop for some reason. Honestly, the sheer amount of poop was of great concern to me, but no one told me that everything remotely connected to being a father would make me cry. Yep. When I became a father seems like everything started to make me cry. 

The Best Man Holiday-I was a mess. Sick parent who might not see her kids again. Done. Waterworks.

Road to Perdition-I cried at moments throughout, but at no point more than the end, when young Michael Sullivan drops this doozy. "When people ask me if Michael Sullivan was a good man or if there was no good in him at all, I always give the same answer. I just tell them, 'He was my father.'" Waterworks. 

The Pursuit of Happyness-I have tried to watch this film for the past week. I am literally only five minutes in. I cry about 30 seconds into each viewing. Seeing Will hustle to get his son to daycare in Chinatown, not their neighborhood, but the only center they could afford, is just too real. Then, Will Smith as Chris Gardner, my favorite cinematic father, says that he was 28 when he first met his father. Waterworks. 

Those are just to name a few. I have also cried during family themed commercials. That Cheerios commercial with the multiracial family. Waterworks. There is a family that looks like ours! That's a reason to be emotional, right? 

Reading books for the first time since becoming a parent has also changed. I read Things Fall Apart a few months ago and the relationship of the main character Okonkwo and his father as well as Okonkwo and his kids was easier to appreciate now. I can't believe this sense of clarity I had while reading it. 

I used to reserve my tears for the heartwrenching death of Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The bagpipes during the funeral. Kirk getting choked up. Waterworks, since age 10. 

Look, I'm not at all ashamed for being emotional. I knew life would be different as a parent. I just didn't realize I would go through so many tissues. And wipes. Can't beat their softness. To be fair, I am not just letting the waterworks flow. I also experience other feelings. When seeing The Wolf of Wall Street, I was infuriated when Jordan Belfort hit his wife and put his child in complete danger. One of the more squirm inducing film moments for me. 

So, I offer this as a piece of advice for those of you who are either thinking about having children or have young children. There is a good chance you might cry more than you ever have before. And that's just fine. Just stock up on the wipes.

What films/books/commercials/etc. make those of you with children break out the ol' waterworks?

Pepper For The Win!

I love sports. I am a big fan of athletic competitions. Sports were a big part of my identity as a young man, and the lessons I learned as a teammate have helped me tremendously as an educator and husband. My wife feels the same. We both played competitive sports for years. My wife even played at the collegiate level. I was recruited to run track for a Division 1 institution, but I decided to focus on my studies. No, seriously. O.k. and other things, too. :) Anyway, we have numerous family members who have played collegiate athletics. My father played hoops. I even have a grandfather who was a pro fighter. Genetics might be on our side. We both want our daughter to play sports. We view them as not only fun, but great for exercise. The lessons she can learn through sportsmanship, teamwork, and winning and losing can be life altering. 

As a long time basketball coach, I know what it looks like to be an over the top crazed parent in the stands. We will not be those parents. However, I worry about putting pressure on Camilla. Nothing would please me more than to have her be the next Diana Taurasi or Candace Parker on the basketball court. As much as I enjoyed being an athlete, it has been much more rewarding to be a coach and cheer. I'm sure that being a parent and watching my girl cross over a defender and leave her with some heavily damaged ankles would bring me much happiness. I definitely want my daughter to enjoy life and find things that interest her. Legal things, so don't get it twisted.  But will I be disappointed if sports is not one of those interests? Perhaps. (Can I make that a strong perhaps.) However, what I want most is for her to find a passion. It can be art, politics, music, outer space, or teaching. I just want my daughter to develop a passion for something and hopefully have a positive impact on society. Until that happens, we'll let her try her hand at a number of things, including sports and ballet. 

You know what though? It has been interesting to watch Camilla in soccer class. She has been taking soccer for about a year, and she certainly shows grit and resolve if not talent. She is currently in a soccer class where she is the only girl. The boys are unfortunately lacking any discipline. In addition, they have not been very friendly or cooperative. Camilla does not appreciate that, as she is a kind, thoughtful young girl. But, she can hold her own. Recently, she was kicking the ball in a drill and it went towards a boy without a ball. He proceeded to take Camilla's ball and dribble away. My daughter yelled, "Hey, that's my ball," and grabbed the ball. The boy then started to wrestle with Camilla for the ball. My much smaller daughter did not relinquish the ball until one of the coaches arrived. Nice to see she can hold her own. 

What else has been interesting is her coaching. Most of her coaches have been fantastic. Patient. Funny. Helpful. But, there have been a couple who have treated her in a very patronizing fashion. The usual sign is that they will hold her hand during drills and not hold the hand of any of the boys in the class. This video is an example of this. 

This coach, unfortunately, did not let Camilla have a chance to make mistakes or take some time to work her way through a drill. He chose to hold her hand and walk her through everything. Before even seeing her skill level. To me, it seemed he treated her differently, because she is a girl. It shouldn't surprise you that I had something to say to this coach after class. I am always respectful, but it is imperative that people are made aware of how we treat girls and boys. We don't want our daughter to think she is less than anyone else. 

We will see how sports works out for Camilla. She will inevitably be impacted by where we decide to live, her school, her friends, and her family. I would not be devastated at all if she takes her talents to something else. It will be exciting to support her passion, especially one that I am not as familiar with, because she could teach me something new. But, it would be really cool to be in the stands when she hits a buzzer beater to score her 1000th career point. Pepper for the win!

A Not So Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Subway

I was walking to the subway holding and hugging my now three year old daughter recently, when I heard a man walking by us say, "Black women are the best!" The man walked by us and smirked while making this comment. He had most likely assumed that my daughter was the result of a union between a black man and white woman. It certainly seemed this comment was aimed toward us.

I leaned into discomfort and said to the man that if he had something to say, don't say it under your breath.  Tell us to our faces. That's right. I told this man "us". Tell my daughter to her face that her parents shouldn't be together. He looked quite shocked that I said something. He actually apologized and said he meant nothing against my daughter. I could certainly look at this as a moral victory. However, it didn't feel as good as I would have liked.

I knew to expect these types of comments or looks, being a black male married to a white women. But, I'm tired of this. Don't bring this attitude to my daughter, who represents a bond made of love. The argument against my union is that I have turned my back on my race. I believe this is a cope out. I am a proud black man. I have worked my entire adult life to support and empower children, specifically children of color, and especially African-American children. If you spend 30 minutes with me, you know my heritage is one of the first three ways I identify. I am convinced that people need to focus on their own (ahem) stuff, and let me focus on my own. 

Eventually, I will have to talk to my daughter about racism and prejudice in much more detail. I am not sure about all the aspects of this inevitable conversation, but I do know the theme will be to stay true to herself while honoring her multiracial heritage. We can't avoid these comments, but I can empower her to know there is nothing wrong with her family. Nothing.

My Idol: How My Daughter Inspires Me

I am not Matthew McConaghey. I am not my own idol. You might be surprised who my idol is. My idol is my three year old daughter. How could a three year old be an idol of someone who is almost 40 years her senior? How could someone who can't care for herself inspire me? Oh, let me count the ways.

She expresses love, a lot. 

My daughter truly has unconditional love for me and her mother. She tells us this without prodding or training. She loves me and expresses this often. We don't do this nearly enough as a society, and it has certainly inspired me to show my love to my wife and child as often as possible.

She is willing to forgive.

She doesn't hold it against me yet when she is disciplined or told no. And she is especially forgiving after some rest. Hopefully, her eventual loss of an afternoon nap doesn't change this too much.

She is resilient.

She recently endured a trip to the hospital. Not only was she unfazed by being in an ambulance, but she handled having an IV put into her hand, more than once! She is taking a soccer class where she is the only girl. She initially was taken aback by that. Then, she decided that the actions of the boys should not ruin her enjoyment. Since this will not be the only time she will be "one of" or "the only", it is important that she has these experiences early. Thankfully, she handles them well. In addition, if you ask her why do we fall down, she will answer, "To get back up." Yeah, my parenting is totally influenced by pop culture. I also quote Aaliyah. "Camilla, if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again." And Uncle Jay. "Camilla. Get. That. Dirt off your shoulder." But, I digress.

She is willing to try new things.

Especially food!

She has strong observational skills.

What she notices is remarkable. She recently noticed a mistake in her Doc McStuffins book. I have read this to her dozens of times since we bought the book, and I never noticed it. Adults just don't seem to notice the things three year olds do. It is certainly a reminder to not take so much for granted. 

And, she said this. "You're not like the other dads. You're brown. But I'm brown, too. And that's good. And we love each other. And we have happy faces."

So, my daughter at age 3 is my idol. I am not ashamed to say this. Simply put, she is a model of kindness and is the type of human being I aspire to be. Here's hoping my daughter at age 16 is still my idol. :)

Absolute Fear: My Daughter's First Trip to the Hospital

My daughter developed a fever on a Tuesday night in March and unfortunately maintained this fever into that Wednesday. For those of you with children, you know how tough it can be seeing your child sick. There has been nothing more frustrating for me as a father than listening to my daughter cough repeatedly and struggle sleeping. My daughter is a beautiful bundle of energy, spirit, and thoughtfulness on most days. When she is sick, she is straight up miserable, lethargic, and rude. I went to teach that Wednesday with my mind clearly elsewhere, which thankfully my students did not notice. My daughter clearly had not improved, so we decided she needed to go to the doctor's office on Thursday. My wife, as she often does, uncovered through research what was causing this problem: pneumonia. Camilla's doctor gave her a treatment to clear her lungs and prescribed an antibiotic. I was convinced that she would shortly be on the road to recovery. She usually bounces back rather quickly. But, that was sadly not the case. My daughter stopped eating and fought me tooth and nail on consuming liquids. This was something different. She was turning down food that she loved. She even started to say she didn't want to improve, which made this so scary.  In addition, my daughter was to celebrate her birthday with some of her friends in a few days. She was so excited about planning this glorious event right down to the Batman cupcakes. But, she started to say that she didn't want to have a party. Yes, this was definitely something different. 

After a return trip to the pediatrician on Friday, we were told that our daughter needed to go to the hospital. Her breathing was far too fast, and she was dangerously dehydrated. What came next was the most surreal part. To go to the hospital, we were required to ride in an ambulance. Very scary. I was literally feeling multiple emotions: sadness, anger, and confusion. And fear. Fear that this had become serious. Fear that our daughter could be lost. Fear no parent wants to deal with at all. Fear certainly hit my wife as well. I had to make a call about who would ride with Camilla. After viewing my wife's tears, I knew it had to be me. My wife needed a little space from the situation, so she would drive our car to the hospital. I knew that I had to be the rock this time, especially for Camilla. But, my daughter was so amazing and unfazed. I truly admire her resiliency. As we waited for a room in the ER, Camilla had trouble keeping down liquids and was spitting up, as she calls it, far too often. It was obvious that an IV was in her future. As we finally moved into a room, I thought about two things. How much these two ladies brought to my life? And, why were there so many cops in front of some of the ER rooms? Yikes! Anyway, we were hopeful that a night on the IV would help Camilla bounce back. In addition, we had to give her pumps of albuterol every few hours, which would hopefully clear her lungs. With all of this, and two uncomfortable chairs, it basically meant a long, painful, and sleepless night for my wife and me. I'm not sure how Jack Bauer does it. (Cue 24 clock ticking sound.)

Day two was a good one. Camilla had bounced back! Her breathing was good, and she was holding down food and liquids. We began to see our daughter and her spirit return. What a glorious sight to behold. What we learned was that she was hit with a devastating one-two punch of pneumonia and RSV, which is a respiratory illness. 

If dealing with this trip to the hospital and Camilla's illness wasn't enough, there were other knuckleballs we had to attempt to hit.
1) The fact that Camilla has proven to be susceptible to respiratory illnesses means that she might just develop asthma. 

2) With Camilla's birthday playdate coming up on that Sunday, I had to reschedule. Poor Camilla apologized profusely for being sick and ruining her party. Thankfully, all of her friends were able to attend on the alternate date. 

3) My father was in town. The same father I have not seen in about 35 years. I was certainly open to seeing him one on one. However, he wanted to meet my family and have me meet my half brothers that I did not know existed until a few years ago. Heavy stuff. Probably not the ideal time for me to deal with it, but you don't always have a choice. I did contact my father to try to meet, but by the time we connected, he was on his way back to Syracuse, NY. 

So, there was all that as well. I started to look around for mountain lions, Sherry Palmer, and Chloe, because it just started to sound over the top to me. 

Camilla continued to improve and was significantly better by Saturday night, although, she had to endure a second IV being placed into her hand that left her crying more than I have ever seen her cry. (That was really hard to witness. Really hard.) I was able to leave Jenelle and venture home, and we both received much needed sleep. We were able to leave midday on Sunday. Camilla  would celebrate her birthday at home! (Her first movie was in order.)

I have never doubted why I am married to my amazing partner. But during times of stress, you learn so much about a relationship. Honestly, Team Camilla rocked the house. We stayed focused, determined, and strong. When my wife needed support, I provided it. (Seeing our child loaded into an ambulance will do that to you.) When I needed help, my wife came to my rescue. (Having your child say she wants to stay sick did it to me.) We helped guide our daughter through this very challenging, exhausting experience. We truly compliment each other. Such a team. 

I am now convinced that this experience will have a lasting effect on me. Just recently, Camilla had a runny nose, and she said she was not sick, which is how this all began last time. I was very real with her, reminding her about the need for rest. I reminded her that we would like to avoid the hospital and keep going to school, classes, and playdates. The best way to do that, I said, was to rest. You know what? She listened and went to sleep shortly thereafter. Perhaps she remembers the sheer pain of the IV being put into her hand or the awkwardness of being in a hospital. I know I do.

Thankfully, this is a story with a happy ending. The main reason for this being the doctors and nurses who helped my daughter. It started with our pediatrician and ended with the help of some wonderful nurses. We are lucky and blessed to have received such quality care. Even though some of them perpetuated gender stereotypes, huzzahs still go all around. Just hoping I don't see those people again any time soon.

(Camilla celebrating her birthday.)

36 things I have learned about my daughter in the 36 months I have known her

1) She is motivated by not wanting something to actually cry about.

2) She acts like a stereotypical intoxicated individual when she is in need of sleep. 
3) All water is apparently fresh. 
4) She loves Battle of the Planets even though she has only ever heard the theme song.
5) Her hide and seek skills leave a lot to be desired.
6) As do her red light, green light skills
7) But, her dancing is joyous.
8) She loves school.
9) And her dance and soccer classes.
10) Baseball is her favorite sport.
11) Peg + Cat has helped her math skills.
12) She sees herself as a superhero, and not a sidekick. (No Robin costumes in her future.)
13) The Police are her favorite band and Michael Jackson her favorite singer.
14) She called Julianne Moore Freckleface Strawberry when she met her and calls Jay Z "Uncle Jay".
15) She is in a toddler band named Grapes, Strawberries, and Blueberries.
16) Pink is her favorite color.
17) It's difficult for her to color without breaking a crayon.
18) She prefers her full name.
19) She is the moral compass of her preschool class.
20) She doesn't like smoking because it makes the air dirty.
21) She hugs those she loves with a great deal of ferocity.
22) When she naps, she sometimes does this.

23) And this.

(That one might have been me.)

24) She thinks Fred Sanford looks like Beethoven. And that they both must be grumpy.
25) She can use multiple adverbs correctly.
26) She speaks her mind.
27) Chewbacca is her favorite Star Wars character.
28) Her father likes Doc McStuffins almost as much as she does.
29) Peter and the Wolf always makes her happy.
30) She does a great impersonation of her mother.

31) She is amazingly caring and thoughtful.
32) She usually destroys your Playdoh creations. She just can't help it.
33) She loves giraffes. They stick their necks out for their friends. 
34) She uses the potty, blows her nose, sleeps in a big girl bed, and walks to school. Yet, she still likes to be held so she can snuggle.
35) She often wears a tutu and pink fedora around the house.
36) Her mommy and daddy love her more than they could ever have imagined.

Happy 3rd Birthday to my wonderful daughter.

Thank You, Dad: How My Absentee Father Has Unknowingly Influenced My Parenting

For the first time in 11 years, I read the novel, Things Fall Apart. As an English teacher, I honestly feel that each time you read a book, you see different things. Although it has always been a challenging read due to the spousal abuse, this time, I read this book in the mindset of a parent and husband. 

The protagonist, Okonkwo, was not the most liked of characters and a poor father at best. This was due in large part to his being influenced by his relationship with his father. In addition, his father was not much of a role model. Everything Okonkwo does was in response to how little he thought of his father. His father's failure and ineptitude motivated Okonkwo. 

I understand this motivation all too well. My father was pretty much out of my life by age 5. I spoke with him on the phone at age 12, then reconnected with him a few years ago after 25 years. Although we have been working on creating a relationship, that's a long time without talking to a parent. Honestly, I didn't know what he sounded like or looked like. Most of my life, I viewed him as a deadbeat. The guy who left me. My only memories of him were negative. He gave me cheap toys for Christmas that would break before New Year's. He would pick me up to spend time with me and leave me with family members or random people so he could do something else. He set the bar pretty low for fathers. 

Who were the fathers that had a parenting style I could model? Maybe Heathcliff Huxtable, who those of us of a certain generation idolized or wished was our father. Who wouldn't have enjoyed his Zerberts or winter time BBQ's? Maybe Chris Gardner of The Pursuit of Happyness, whose sole motivation was the survival of his son at all costs.

This is not to say that I lacked for male role models. There were certainly some in my middle school, where I connected with one of the few men of color that have ever taught me. I remember talking with him often and knowing he truly was looking out for me. He knew I was challenged by being one of only a handful of black folks at the school. He even took me to purchase my first pair of track shoes, when he knew they were pricey. As close as I was to my mother, it was meaningful to have this connection with a black male. For that, I thank my old coach and advisor, Bill McBride. 

Thankfully, my mother was beyond competent. Through her influence and my utter disgust for my father, I began to behave and perform in ways that would not only make my mother proud, but would also make my father jealous and sad. My academic success in independent schools and degrees from two great universities, my sports prowess, my career in education, the pride I take in being a sensitive and thoughtful man. All of these things are connected to my wanting to not be my father. What I wanted was to show him what he missed. I wanted him to know that I was able to thrive. I wanted him to regret his decision to leave. I wanted to distance myself so far from him that I wanted desperately to change my middle name, which is his first name. 

I recently came to the conclusion that I am the man I am today because of my father and despite my father. My father unwittingly motivated me. His "parenting"  also inspired me to be a strong parent. The second my daughter was born, when I was able to hold her and her existence became so much more real, it became impossible to imagine not being in her life. No way would I be unreliable. Or not present. Or a negative influence in her life. My "relationship" with my father is certainly a reason why I am a stay at home dad. I want my daughter to have a lasting and strong bond with her father. So, thank you, Dad, for allowing me to create my own model of fatherhood, one that works for my family. You know what? I am straight killin' this fatherhood thing. 

But when it comes down to it, my mother's efforts need to be commended. If she wasn't so strong, smart, and thoughtful, I would not have been able to understand the magnitude of my successes. For that, and so much else, I am happy to call her Mom, and give her my sincere thanks. 

Penny: A Tribute

We lost an important family friend last Wednesday. Lost on the downtown B train in Manhattan, Penny, pictured here, was one of my daughter's closest stuffed friends. 

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm really quite sad about Penny's loss. She shared many adventures with us throughout New York City over the last three years. It is the first time we have had to speak with our daughter about loss. We also spoke to her about how she has to be more responsible with her toys when we leave the house. I have usually been the hero and rescued numerous toys dropped when we have ventured from home. Penny was often on the receiving end of those rescues. I can't always be the savior as much as I might want to be. My daughter has taken it surprisingly well, once again surprising us with her resiliency. Probably eased by this.

A replacement known as L'il Penny. Thinking about trademarking that name!

Another reason why I am sad is what Penny represents. She bridged the gap from my daughter as a newborn to a bouncing, vocal, and observant preschooler. Eventually, my daughter was going to move on from Penny. I understand that. But this is a reminder that these things can happen suddenly. Most importantly, it's a reminder to continue doing what I have been doing, which is treasuring every moment, because these are the most precious of moments. 

I have made a video tribute to Penny. Here's hoping she made some subway rider smile. 

To See or Not to See: The Problem With Racial Colorblindness

My soon to be three year old daughter sees a person's color. It's as simple as that. She describes herself as brown, her mother as pink, and me, her dad, as a "different" brown. I bring this up because I feel there are still far too many people who believe in the concept of "racial colorblindness". I've encountered this concept as a student, teacher, director of diversity, family member, and parent. Even though people who I have heard say they are "colorblind" usually do so with the best intentions, that does not make it any less problematic. I ask those people to see me. I am Black. My Blackness is an essential part of who I am. Don't take that away from me, please. Accept it. Embrace it. Respect it. I would also ask not to deny a part of my daughter's multiracial background. What I would prefer is to not be solely defined by my color. 
Why is this concept so problematic? Because it is what I call classic diversity deflection. Many diversity themed discussions focus on some of the core diversity identifiers: race, socio-economic status/class, sexual orientation, religion, ability. What I have seen so often during my time as a director of diversity is that people are still quite fearful of discussions about race. They will say that we have already talked about this, which ignores and demeans the complexities of the topic. Or, they will deflect, unknowingly, the conversation to a different focus, usually class. Why that topic? Because it is one where people of different races can be on equal footing. And it helps people find a way to relate to racism. Once again, this happens with the best of intentions. However, it does take away from the task at hand, which is deconstructing racism. 

There are a few things you can do to recover from the affliction of racial colorblindness.
1) Understand that discussing race should not be feared.
2) If you are fearful of saying something that makes you sound racist, it's because you are racist. But guess what, according to an interesting theory, we are all recovering racists or purveyors of prejudice. Here is the theory explained.

"In America there are only racists and recovering racists. It is like alcoholism. There is no point at which you are rid of it completely – racist thinking is too much a part of American culture. No one completely escapes it, not even people of color." For more, click here.

3) To become a true white ally and/or anti-racist advocate, educate yourself. Seek help, but challenge yourself to broaden your knowledge on your own, because not all people of color want to educate white folks about their experience.
4) Expose yourself to the rich tapestry that is this country. You can do so through travel, film, books, and food. Yes, the internet can be helpful in this. 
5) Most people of color acknowledge they are people of color. You can, too. Just avoid doing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eJCZf7tNLs&feature=player_embedded

Finally, check out these articles that focus on the theory of colorblind. 

Colorblind Notion Aside, Colleges Grapple With Racial Tension

7 Things Your Colorblind Racist Friend Might Say to You and How to Respond

Defying Stereotypes

Although I write this blog as a way of processing my experience as a father, it has been so nice to have a handful of faithful followers support this effort. It's time I give props to each of them. I thank my wife, of course, and my friends, Lindsay and Lorne, for their continued support. In addition, I thank my mother for the opportunity to occasionally debrief one of my entries. It has been important for me to receive some affirmation for this work. Ok, back to the blog.

Two years ago, I made the decision to stay home with my daughter and walk away from a job and place of employment I truly enjoyed. At the time, it was one of the harder decisions I had to make. Thankfully, I had the support of my wife, who was really the only person who understood just how stressful the decision was for me, even though we basically made the call to do this during the summer before my last full year of working at that school. Towards the end of that final year there, the head of the school made an announcement about my impending departure later than usual, due in large part to my having been a finalist for two middle school division head positions. I eventually learned that there were people who for some reason didn't believe me. They felt that I must have been fired. There's no way I chose to be home with my daughter. I still remember the look of a former colleague who basically stinkfaced me when I told her why I was not returning. To be honest, I thank this person for that look, which in some ways reminded me to live life to the fullest. Without that look, I might not have developed an amazingly rich bond with my daughter, taken a photo with Jay-Z, been in a TimeOut Kids photo shoot and a CBS News report with my daughter, volunteered to be a class parent at my daughter's preschool, been in a segment on the Dr. Oz show, met Freckleface Strawberry herself, Julianne Moore, been able to teach English part time at an amazing organization for gifted students of color, and write this blog! To this day, I remain convinced that if I were a woman, the perception would have been quite different. It's never fun to be the one who is different. Trust me, I know this as a black man who has spent much of his life in independent schools and an interracial marriage. Hopefully, what I have done and will continue to do will affect some change of attitude. 

Close to a year ago, I joined a group with many other SAHDs (yes, we have an acronym!) I've thankfully connected with fellow dad bloggers (Shout out again to Lorne Jaffe and his blog!) and found a wonderful support network that I tap into when needed. I tell everyone that will listen that it's a good time to be an at home dad. 

Well, not everyone agrees with this. I recently watched a segment on the daytime talk show, Bethenny. The segment was to focus on SAHDs. Instead, it led to three SAHDs basically defending themselves and others from some old father and male stereotypes. Check out the segment here. The fathers were so fantastic. (Way to go, Lance Somerfeld, one of the founders of the dad's group I joined.) Thankfully, another one of the dads wrote an incredibly thoughtful response to the show experience. A must read! 

Look, I am not looking for sympathy. I know that there are still certainly advantages to my being a man. It just seems like it is time for more openmindedness and a willingness to not perpetuate antiquated stereotypes. I am proud to be a SAHD and grateful for this life changing opportunity. I will continue to use this blog as a way of affirming my SAHD status as well as my fellow fathers doing work. In addition, I promise not to use that acronym as much as I did in this entry. :) 

Supporting Mental Health

I wanted to share a recent segment from the ESPN show, Outside the Lines. It had a major effect on me as a parent. A parent can only hope that his or her child will receive the care and understanding that one deserves, especially at school. I feel for the parents of this young woman and hope others will not have to fill a similar loss. We must remember that there is no norm. We don't all think the same way or learn the same way or emote the same way. We are all different, and that must be embraced and respected. 

You can watch the video here.

Here is an article about this unfortunate incident here. 

I Will Not Stand Quietly.

Dear Dr. King,

Happy Birthday, Sir. It's that time of year again when we spend time celebrating your enduring legacy. What a legacy it is! Thank you for your efforts, your determination, your confidence, and your focus. I promise you that I will not spend this time on some luxurious weekend skiing or sunning. I will spend this time paying proper tribute to all that you sacrificed to help make my current family an honest reality. You know what, Dr. King? I don't just think about you for a couple of days or weeks in January. I try to do some level of this good work 365, 24/7. I remain committed to fighting this fight and hope that the people in my family's life will join this if they have not already done so. But, I can only truly speak of my efforts. Here's what I promise, Dr. King. I will not stand quietly. You did not do what you did for people to be bystanders. Ignorance and bigotry will not reign supreme in my presence. To those who feel they need to question my choice of spouse and the racial makeup of my daughter, I will not stand quietly. To those who hide behind the first amendment, religion, liberalism, or conservatism so that they can say hurtful things, and to those who blindly and ignorantly defend those people without thinking of the often life threatening consequences of those statements, I will not stand quietly. To those who try to excuse racism for some reason without trying to understand why someone had his or her feelings hurt, I will not stand quietly. I owe you and the people who came before me this vigilant approach. After all, you once said that, "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Once again, I thank you, Dr. King.

2013.

2013 was a monumental year for me. So much happened that I thought I should write a blog entry running through this amazing year. 

January 

My wife and I attended the Presidential Inauguration. I still regret not making every effort to attend President Obama's first inauguration, but thankfully, we were to still be a part of history. We even ran into W. Kamau Bell. I was able to attend a taping of Totally Biased a fee days later as well and talk to Bell after the taping.

February 

Jenelle's Ravens won the Super Bowl, which is the third total Super Bowl total our favorite NFL teams have won during our relationship/marriage.

My daughter experienced her first big snowfall. She was so fascinated by snow. 

We also visited and were admitted to preschool with minimal stress and drama. 

Finally, we took our daughter to Sesame Street Live.

March

2nd birthday! Crazy Sesame Street money! Jenelle's half marathon, Soccer class starts. Aunt Lindsay visits!

April

I went to LA for the first time. Dodgers, high school friends, and the best host ever! No more daycare for my daughter.

May 

Graduation from Columbia. Masters Degree! 'Nuff Said.

June

Liberty Father's Day game! Photobombing Allan Houston.

I started to attend events with the NYC Dad's group. And just like that, my daughter and I were featured in Time Out for Kids and CBS News pieces. I also went to the NBA Draft and witnessed a fellow Bucknellian get drafted!

http://youtu.be/TLkPCyVXqYQ

July

MLB Fanfest. Potty training!

SI Yanks-running the bases! (And no issues with nap or potty.) My daughter's 1st Haircut. And I met Aisha Tyler!

August

We moved to Harlem. Back home.

I appeared on The Dr. Oz Show. Topless.

Big girl bed for my kid! And no more pacifier. Jay-Z/Justin Show. What a great gift for my Master's, J!

http://youtu.be/AZjTV0F_0iA

September 

Preschool! A truly great fit for my child. She was so ready. I returned to the classroom part time. Seems quite right. I turned 40. And got a Tag Heuer. Sweet!

October

Vegas for my 40th! I even had a good friend come, too. Yay, Lindsay!

I met Nick Offerman a.k.a. Ron Swanson! Halloween was fun as my daughter was Andy Summers of The Police and Wonder Woman.

November 

My daughter and I met Julianne Moore at a book signing. Our 5th Wedding Anniversary, and we did a stay-cation in Manhattan. We also took C. bowling for the first time.

December

We had an amazing family photo shoot that focused more on our daughter. We have considered modeling for her on and off, but after seeing her temperament during the session, as well as the photos, it's time to pursue this. Luscious Jackson returned, and we went to see them perform. I even danced with them on stage!  

We went to see some of my former players play hoops. C loved it.

And we witnessed her first school performance.

http://youtu.be/83gHdO0Dhvg

Oh yeah. I also found time to start writing this blog again, for real this time. A truly amazing year. Can 2014 top it? Only time will tell.