Santa? Gifts? Kwanzaa? Questions for the holiday season.

I just want to begin by saying I began writing this entry three weeks ago. Thankfully, I waited, because there has been so much about my primary topic in the news lately. 

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I have celebrated Christmas my entire life. However, I don't enjoy what I feel the holiday season has become. I am not a Grinch. Or a Scrooge. I am not a big fan of Santa Claus. I don't hold it against people who are. Seriously. My issues with Santa started, not surprisingly, when I was young. I grew up believing in the myth, but began to have questions at age 5. I grew up in the projects and barely saw white people in my community. I just didn't entirely believe that I wouldn't notice a white dude walking around with a big ol' bag of gifts in my neighborhood. Someone would have mentioned him. Then, there was the lack of a chimney and the numerous Santas stationed around NYC. I didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that Santa wasn't real. What I couldn't understand then and still have issues with now is why anyone would want to give credit for being thoughtful to some random stranger. So, my wife and I have discussed how we might want to integrate something like Santa into our daughter's Christmas experience. My wife's biggest fear is absolutely legitimate. She does not want the child who spoils Christmas for the other children in her class that celebrate it. As a big fan of pop culture, who wants the kid who doesn't at least say, "Spoiler Alert!" before ruining Christmas. All I know is I want my child to know that someone cares about her enough to give her a gift. It's not that I want credit from her, but I think she should know that her family and friends are generous and thoughtful. I feel so many of us give during this season out of obligation and not out of love and selflessness. Here is a very interesting article about gift giving that gave me pause. Truly.

http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/life/celebrate/20131024/the-gift-of-not-giving-a-thing

Now back to Kringle. Santa might represent an aspect of Christmas, but I feel objects/symbols like him do take away from what the holiday is supposed to represent: the birth of Christ. Christmas has become bigger than that. 

All of this probably makes me more of a Linus Van Pelt. Remember this.

http://youtu.be/CojUP5nRidA

Clearly, I am not the only person who finds Santa Claus problematic. It all began with the following article.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/holidays/2013/12/santa_claus_an_old_white_man_not_anymore_meet_santa_the_penguin_a_new_christmas.html

If you read this and felt the author was trying to literally incite a massive change in society by protest and rioting, then I might understand the pure anger behind this. 

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/megyn-kelly-for-all-you-kids-watching-at-home-santa-just-is-white-video

As is often the case, Jon Stewart weighed in on this maelstrom.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4440054?ncid=txtlnkushpmg00000037&ir=Politics

As did others.

http://www.esquire.com/_mobile/blogs/news/fox-news-ignore-stuff?src=spr_FBPAGE&spr_id=1456_35231869

http://www.msnbc.com/disrupt/watch/santa-claus-and-race-baiting-91157059782

http://www.msnbc.com/politicsnation/watch/white-santa-controversy-boils-90253379869

http://www.salon.com/2013/12/16/stop_saying_santa_is_white/

http://www.esquire.com/_mobile/blogs/news/fox-news-ignore-stuff?src=spr_FBPAGE&spr_id=1456_35231869

So, my takeaway is that it was certainly worth a discussion with my wife about Santa Claus, Christmas imagery, and the dismissal by some of other meaningful holidays during these winter months. Because of these conversations, my family and I are strongly considering celebrating Kwanzaa this year, in addition to Christmas. As of now, we acknowledge Santa, more as a spirit of Christmas, then as a chimney hopping visitor. We'll see how long that lasts. Might have to do some creative storytelling with my daughter. Happy Holidays! 

What Do I Share With My Daughter?

I would like to preface this by saying that I speak from the "I" perspective. 

My wife and I believe in speaking with our child clearly, fairly, and intelligently. We have done so since birth. We are happy to have our thinking validated.
http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/01/the-key-to-smarter-kids-talk-to-them/

For us, we didn't adopt "baby talk" since we don't believe in talking down to her. We believe in speaking appropriately to her. I'm often reminded of a line from To Kill a Mockingbird. "Mrs Merriweather was one of those childless adults who find it necessary to assume a different tone of voice when speaking to children." We certainly encounter this phenomenon with not only strangers, but also friends and family. At least they're not as bad as what we endured at a recent playdate at a famous chain of children's party and gym spots. They added "ie" to the end of everything. You haven't lived until you've heard the word "ballie" twenty times in a five minute stretch. I am not immune to this. As much as I try, I still find that I refer to myself in the dreaded 3rd person. My daughter is old enough now so I certainly don't have to speak to her in this patronizing fashion. I have made big strides with this though. 

We also don't use slang or goofy words for things that don't need them. For instance, no Boo Boo, but a scratch. What is a Boo Boo anyway? She uses words like vagina, penis, and nipple as well. I thank Logan Levkoff and her fantastic work for inspiring us and our approach. There is no reason to fear using the correct terms. If you don't know her work, check our her website and blog on the Huffington Post using the links below. Thanks, again, Logan!
http://www.loganlevkoff.com
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-logan-levkoff/

However, there is more to all of this talk about talk. We are also thinking about how we speak to our daughter about bigger issues. Not too long ago, I had an interesting conversation with my wife. (Borderline debate actually. And it's not over yet either.) We've tried to let our now 2.5 year old daughter forge her own identity by offering lots and lots of things and people as possible influences.  
So, our conversation became interesting when we started to discuss our child's library. As a former independent school diversity director, I feel that a diverse library is essential. Books that challenge stereotypes, show a variety of family configurations, and have characters that look like our multiracial daughter are a must.
Where my wife and I started to differ was how much do we influence her political views. What this debate really came down to was how we were each raised. My wife says she was raised without any discussion of politics. Her parents focused on the importance of treating people with respect. I grew up differently. Although following the golden rule was just as essential in my upbringing, I was raised to be very aware of my race. And that others would also be aware of my race. We watched Roots, which continues to have an impact on me. We listened to Dr. King's I Have a Dream speech. I was read Stories for Free Children from Ms. Magazine. I was taken to pro-choice rallies. My mother worked for women's organizations. At those organizations, I befriended some of my mother's lesbian co-workers, some of whom are lesbians, who taught me a valuable lesson that love is love. My mother truly wanted me to be a more modern and sensitive male. (Think it worked, Mom. Thanks.) 

This debate and my contemplation after have led me to these conclusions.

1) I am convinced that people in underrepresented groups do not have the luxury or privilege of being quiet and letting views develop on their own, especially when fighting for civil rights is part of your history.

2) I remain convinced that by the general nature of my daughter's "village" and her diverse library, she would most likely lean liberal. 

But, are we obligated to raise a child to believe the same essential things that we hold true? It seems as if the majority of the people who support these essentials (i.e. marriage equality, fair pay for women, racism still exists) are liberal and Democrats. Should we subtly and not so subtly influence her to vote along these same party lines? I am thinking more and more that the answer to this is yes. Not because I want to impose my will. But because I feel it is the right thing to do. And I want our family to be on the right side of history when it comes to these issues. To be fair, my wife makes some great points about holding back the political nature of some of our comments. I just wish some of these issues were not so politicized. So, we will continue this conversation. 

Race: Visualizing Change

Check this out!

http://proof.nationalgeographic.com/2013/09/17/visualizing-change/?goback=.gde_3740047_member_5797845005682884608#%21

Speaking of race, the organization, Border Crossers has been doing some excellent work in regards to race and discussing race with children. Their mission: Border Crossers trains and equips educators to be leaders of racial justice in their schools and communities. We believe that if educators are prepared to have meaningful conversations about identity and equity, students will be able interrupt patterns of racism and injustice in their own lives and thrive in a multicultural society. 
This is incredibly valuable work. Check out the website and support their current drive. Money well spent!
http://www.bordercrossers.org/who-we-are/

Waterworks

FYI. There are some spoilers in this entry. Read at your own risk. :)

I love being a husband and father. Truly. People offered advice to me on being both. Honestly, nearly all of it was not helpful. Or honest. You see, I think they were holding back. All everyone focused on was poop for some reason. Honestly, the sheer amount of poop was of great concern to me, but no one told me that everything remotely connected to being a father would make me cry. Yep. When I became a father seems like everything started to make me cry. 

The Best Man Holiday-I was a mess. Sick parent who might not see her kids again. Done. Waterworks.

Road to Perdition-I cried at moments throughout, but at no point more than the end, when young Michael Sullivan drops this doozy. "When people ask me if Michael Sullivan was a good man or if there was no good in him at all, I always give the same answer. I just tell them, 'He was my father.'" Waterworks. 

The Pursuit of Happyness-I have tried to watch this film for the past week. I am literally only five minutes in. I cry about 30 seconds into each viewing. Seeing Will hustle to get his son to daycare in Chinatown, not their neighborhood, but the only center they could afford, is just too real. Then, Will Smith as Chris Gardner, my favorite cinematic father, says that he was 28 when he first met his father. Waterworks. 

Those are just to name a few. I have also cried during family themed commercials. That Cheerios commercial with the multiracial family. Waterworks. There is a family that looks like ours! That's a reason to be emotional, right? 

Reading books for the first time since becoming a parent has also changed. I read Things Fall Apart a few months ago and the relationship of the main character Okonkwo and his father as well as Okonkwo and his kids was easier to appreciate now. I can't believe this sense of clarity I had while reading it. 

I used to reserve my tears for the heartwrencing death of Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The bagpipes during the funeral. Kirk getting choked up. Waterworks, since age 10. 

Look, I'm not at all ashamed for being emotional. I knew life would be different as a parent. I just didn't realize I would go through so many tissues. And wipes. Can't beat their softness. To be fair, I am not just letting the waterworks flow. I also experience other feelings. When seeing The Wolf of Wall Street, I was infuriated when Jordan Belfort hit his wife and put his child in complete danger. One of the more squirm inducing film moments for me. 

So, I offer this as a piece of advice for those of you who are either thinking about having children or have young children. There is a good chance you might cry more than you ever have before. And that's just fine. Just stock up on the wipes.

What films/books/commercials/etc. make those of you with children break out the ol' waterworks?

Elitist Bowling

My wife and I decided that we wanted to bowl during our Anniversary StayCation. We headed to Bowlmor by Union Square (NYC for those unfamiliar). When we went in, I noticed this sign. I do take this sign as very coded language. Bowlmor can say what they want, but it is clear they are doing some profiling. And their top floor houses the Greenwich Village Country Club. We decided to do something else instead. Besides the fact, when did I have to start dressing up to bowl.

The Importance of November 7: Part II

My wedding anniversary is also on November 7. To be honest, I never thought I would be married. I never had marriage modeled for me as a child. Being a bachelor felt right. I lived in New York City after all. But, as I look back on what led me to "the best thing I got going", I now realize that failed relationships have played a surprising role in the success of my marriage. Failure clearly happened for a reason. Due to these failures, I was able to realize much about myself. I needed someone who would truly communicate with me, because honest dialogue is healthy. I needed someone who valued family. I needed someone who had the chops and desire to potentially be a parent. Failure in past relationships helped to create a foundation for my current successful relationship.
I now have that partner. We butt heads. Let's be clear. But, we do so not in a hurtful way, but to create a clearer dialogue. And to uncover the root of an issue. I couldn't imagine a better partner for me in parenting. I couldn't be happier in general.

I love that my wife pushed me to attend grad school. Because of her, I have a masters degree from an Ivy League institution. Pretty cool.

I love that she has supported me in my desire to stay home with our child. Even cooler!

I love that she asks my opinion about things she doesn't need to.

I love how she laughs. And smiles.

I love how I can make her forget a bad day by kissing her neck.

I love that she loves learning.

I love that she doesn't try to change me and let's me be the geeky fanboy and sports fan I need to be.

I love that my blackness is not a novelty to her and that she respects my need to discuss race.

I love that she challenges me to be healthy. 

I love that she doesn't like zombies.

I love that she loves things that I don't love.

I could go on and on.
It's wild to think that I am just as in love now as I was that chilly day five years ago. Here's to another five years, and another, and another, and . . .

The Importance of November 7: Part I

I grew up a product of two women: my mother and my grandmother. I am certainly who I am today due in some part to what they provided me as a youth. Three years ago, on November 7, my grandmother passed away at the age of 85. I was particularly close to my grandmother, although our relationship certainly had its rocky moments. She was there for me in some tough stretches. She gave me hugs, mac and cheese, unwanted lectures about my faith, fried chicken, hard times about not bringing a great grandchild into existence quickly enough, and sloppy wet kisses. I feel blessed to have had so much time with her, but it's hard not to be disappointed that she left us only months before the birth of that desired great grandchild.
I want to share something. I feel I need to so that I might finally move past my feelings. To this day, I am somewhat resentful of how my grandmother's memorial service went down. We tried to create something that honored my grandmother, but in doing so, we turned over some of the planning to others. There were people claiming to be close friends that couldn't even pronounce my family's last name. I delivered the most difficult speech of my life, and easily the most meaningful one as well, only to have the person that followed tell the audience that although my grandmother loved me, she loved G_d even more. Just not what you want to hear at that moment. In my opinion, a better choice would have been to let my tribute stand. It was MY grandmother after all. I was the only one who spoke that had a long standing relationship with her. This was my final goodbye to my grandmother, and I feel it was somewhat tarnished.
You know, it feels really good to share some of my frustrations. Thankfully, there were things I will always remember fondly when I look back at that service. There were people from so many areas of my life that found time to attend the service. My cousin and I were reminded of the importance of family bonds. It gave me time to remember the good things about the woman who loved me so. I will always have my memories, good and bad, of my grandmother. I look forward to sharing these with my daughter, when it is time to give her a picture of her great grandmother. We miss you, Granny.

We Voted Today!

Today, I took my daughter to our local voting precinct. I told her how we made a similar trip last year to vote in the 2012 Presidential Election. Given my daughter's recent interest in asking "why" questions, she asked, "Why vote, Daddy?" Now, I thought it was a great question, and one I intend to answer repeatedly until she is at least of voting age. I told my daughter that one of the privileges I have (and she will have) as an American citizen is the right to vote. Simply, we vote to empower like-minded people to make decisions on our behalf. I told her that people before us fought and died to earn that privilege. All the members of her immediate family (Mom-female, Dad-Black, Daughter-black enough and female) were denied the right to vote at some point in American history. So, we not only vote to elect people we believe in, but also to honor those people who came before us and sacrificed so much. And now, with states trying harder than ever to make voting more challenging, we need to vote. So, we voted today. (Much to the dismay of a stringy haired British comedian who should stay committed to his mediocre at best comedy.)

Something to consider when commenting on my daughter's hair

When it comes to hair, I am incredibly self-aware. Nowadays, I don't have any hair on my head, but back in the day, I was known to rock a high top fade. In some ways, I don't pine for the days of hair and roses. Having a shaved head has helped me avoid something that was very difficult for me in my youth. I constantly had to deal with the novelty my hair was for my white friends and classmates. People very often touched my hair, which was usually meticulously combed. Asking me questions about it. Making awful, inappropriate jokes. Let's just say I showed remarkable restraint.  As an adult, I looked for opportunities to educate. During my years as an English teacher,  I taught a short story that focused on a young Mexican boy's quest for a hair cut in his small Texas town. This boy was told by the white barber that his hair was too greasy, so the barber wouldn't cut his hair. My class began to develop an understanding of how hair and culture are connected. I was hoping that future generations would be more sensitive when it came to this topic.
I remind you that my daughter is multiracial. I am beginning to notice how often people make comments about my daughter's hair. The novelty is back, and so are those old feelings. "I wish I had her hair." "Look at those curls." No one is being malicious or attempting disrespect. However, I feel the need to write this and explain that many people of color like me still cringe when hair comes up as a subject, especially when it's a white person bringing it up. Hair is such a loaded topic. For example, The issues that came up around Olympic gold medalist Gabrielle Douglas and her hair. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/08/gabby-douglas-hair-debate_n_1756835.html
Then, there was this not that long ago.
http://www.theroot.com/blogs/grapevine/sheryl-underwood-slams-natural-hair 
You might wonder what can you say to compliment my daughter's hair. I'm not going to tell folks what to say. I also don't want people to shy away from sharing compliments. However, I think it makes sense to at least consider why you want to comment on her hair.
Look, being sensitive and aware is hard work. Trust me. I feel these traits must be a requirement to be a part of my daughter's life. In addition, I am hoping people who might have made comments will read this and consider this and my concerns going forward. Membership in my daughter's village requires an appreciation of the experiences of people and their culture. So, I challenge folks to not shy away from diversity-themed conversations. We just want her village to be broad, beautiful, thoughtful, and inclusive. And for folks to not just notice my daughter's hair, but to also see the entire girl.

The Brown Gothamite Answers Your Questions

Why did someone call my child the new brown baby?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlCPyhXL-2c

Don't be a dad on the subway with a child with a runny nose and cough

So, my daughter and I take the subway most mornings to school. To be honest, this is often not the highlight of our day. Most people push or don't offer a seat to a two year old. Not the finest examples of New Yorkers. This morning, we did receive a seat from a young man (a first for us). My daughter, who was dealing with a runny nose and a cough (but no fever!) asked me to read a book. I was happy to oblige. I noticed her nose was a little runny, but not on the verge of hitting her top lip. So, I continued to read. Soon after, a crumpled paper towel was placed in front of my face. A woman was concerned about my daughter's nose. Nice, but unnecessary considering the vast array of wipes I had in my bag. I took the paper towel and said thanks anyway. The funny thing is that wasn't it. She then proceeded to share with me how I was failing my daughter by not zipping her jacket. My daughter's jacket was actually zipped when we were outside. She asked for me to unzip it because she was getting hot on the platform waiting for the train. The best part was that another woman agreed with her and started to discuss the merits of warmth. I took it from there. If you've followed my blog, you know that I feel obligated to speak up. Especially when there has been some assumptions made based on appearance. I decided to tell these women a few things.
1) I am a VERY competent parent.
2) Her jacket was closed. When we were outside. And germs play more of a role in sickness than warmth.
3) I didn't ask for help, but if you wanted to help, you certainly could have sacrificed your seat.
4) I concluded by saying that it was important to not stereotype fathers. Don't assume incompetence. Don't offer unsolicited parenting advice.
I shared all of this without raising my voice or truly revealing just how frustrated I had become. So, we went back to the book. To be fair, I did speculate a bit.  It seemed as if these women had comments because I was a dad. Clearly, that affords some people an opportunity to question my parenting skills. Let me make something clear. Don't. I won't question your parenting skills. You might have done right by your child. But my wife and I are the experts when it comes to our child. Not all children, but ours. Although children often endure the same developmental milestones, every child is different. Lots of factors effect how they are raised. When it comes down to it, I just wanted to read the book (Mem Fox's Whoever You Are) to my daughter without interruption. But being a responsible father was held against me, again.

The Brown Gothamite Turns 40: Advice For My Daughter

To my daughter,

Your old man just turned 40. Although you are starting to understand what a birthday is, you don't understand the significance of this milestone. Well, I would like to share with you some of the things I have learned during my 4 decades of exist and some things that will make my remaining time peaceful and happy. I love you very much. But not as much when you poop your pants. Here is the list.

40) Do not kick your grandmother in the behind, no matter how inviting that rump might be.
39) Do not smell a Tic Tac too hard. It will go up your nose.
38) Do not be a Mets fan. I think too highly of you. Add the Jets to that as well.
37) The figure four leg lock is one heck of a submission hold.
36) You can like both Star Trek and Star Wars.
35) Ask your mother anything science related. She's incredibly knowledgeable. Just don't entrust her with anything that can be broken, like a light saber or an iPad.
34) If you listen to hip hop, listen to old school.
33) Don't do drugs. Seriously.
32) If you have a child, please let them call me Grandpa or Granddad. Not a fan of any of those other names.
31) Make sure the bench doesn't have a wet paint sign before sitting down.
30) Learn how to drive. It can't just be your mother driving me around.
29) Read Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, and Franz Kafka. They are amazing.
28) Don't be a bystander. Be vocal. Don't let things go.
27) Genre shows can be entertaining, but they don't always know how to end (i.e. Lost and The X-Files). By the way, if they ever reboot The X-Files without the involvement of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, you better not support that.
26) Take your old man to Comic Con at some point.
25) Raylan Givens and Ron Swanson are two of the greatest television characters in history.
24) Trust Joss Whedon.
23) Don't trust Michael Bay.
22) Sports are amazing outlet and a way to learn not only about yourself, but also how to be a teammate.
21) Try to play one of these sports: soccer, field hockey, basketball, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball, and track. Just like those more.
20) For your mother's sake, don't be a Yankee fan. Or cheer for Duke Men's Basketball. But by all means, apply and attend Duke if given the chance. It is an exactly school.
19) Don't do Tavistock.
18) Seriously, don't do Tavistock
17) The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.
16) More importantly, education is essential.
15) You won't want to tell me everything. That is o.k. But, know I will always have your best interests at heart.
14) Don't buy a Young MC cd. You can just borrow your mother's.
13) My sense of humor is dry and often deadpan.
12) Don't watch modern day sitcoms that tell you when to laugh.
11) Come up with a clear definition of friendship and hold your friends to those standards.
10) Don't believe that rule that the second film in a trilogy is always the best. Two examples that ruin that rule: The Hangover Part II and Robocop 2.
9) Continue to love the music of The Police. Fingers crossed they go on tour again.
8) Love the beauty, diversity, convenience, and frustration that your hometown, New York City, provides.
7) Be proud of your heritage and learn as much about it as you can.
6) Loving family is not always easy.
5) Although you can like both Marvel and DC, Marvel is definitely a better brand. But, DC's Batman might just be the greatest comic book character ever created.
4) Embrace and enjoy technology, but understand that there is a world that certainly exists without it. Read Ray Bradbury. He'll help.
3) I don't care if you are gay or straight, you are my child, and you have my support and love.
2) Although your first president might have been Barack Obama, it doesn't mean racism is finished. You will unfortunately have to deal with ignorance and hatred. In fact, there will be some who don't approve of your mom and dad's union. But you are a creation of love. And you are loved.
1) Follow your heart and don't let anyone hold you back from your dream. Not even me. Unless it's not legal, of course.

There you have it. Hope these help and provide some guidance. I look forward to sharing the next ten in a decade.

Sincerely,

Your Father

Sensitive Male Syndrome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZjTV0F_0iA

Recently, I had an opportunity to appear on the Dr. Oz show in a fitness segment. The segment featured all men, different shapes, sizes and ethnicities. To appear on the show meant spending a good chunk of the day in a room with all these men. And appearing on national t.v. without a shirt. Doing that was certainly leaning into discomfort, but I hope that my willingness to something so bold will prove to be inspirational to my daughter. My wife asked me if the overall experience was a good one. Yes, it is fun to appear on t.v. I won't lie. But, I was reminded of why it has often been difficult for me to have male friends. I had to endure posturing, assumptions about my sexual orientation, and embracing of other male stereotypes. For instance, the need to ignore the fact that we were there for a show taping. I thought it was a good opportunity to sit and reflect. One of the segments featured processing hair, something that many black women do, but is not at all exclusive to them. As a parent of a girl, and a multiracial one at that, I watched the filming of that segment hoping to gain some knowledge and understanding that I might be able to use with my daughter in the future. But, many of the men were talking loudly during segments, sometimes even objectifying women. There was also a segment featuring a woman who was having trouble communicating with her children and only used yelling to do so. It was having an awful effect on her heart's health. She opened up and revealed how she was never listened to as a child, clearly a new revelation for this brave woman to share with a national audience. (I actually later thanked her for this bravery and honesty.) Unfortunately, this was lost on most of my fellow men in the green room.
A woman observed my parenting on the train recently and told me I should be commended. I was resentful at first. I do want to rise above stereotypes. And my parenting and time invested in my daughter's development is unfortunately still perceived as something few fathers do. But after my experience in the green room, I'm starting to appreciate her comment.

Thoughts on 9/11/2013

September 11, 2013 is the first day of my daughter's official educational experience. As most parents know, that really begins at birth. But, this is her first day of preschool. I could not be more excited about witnessing her growth as a preschool student. We are not putting pressure on her to be anything other than happy. We trust our school to do right by our child. It is especially exciting having been an educator for so long. I will certainly remember this day. However, 9/11 is still such a difficult day in America and New York especially. I am reminded of my 9/11 experience. I am blessed not to have lost someone close. I do remember being nervous about losing some of my college buddies who worked in the area. I was far enough away I was in my second day of work at my new school. We were reeling from the loss of a parent of one of our 8th graders. So, these 8th graders came back after spending the previous day supporting their distraught friend only to find out about these attacks. I was numb when I was told about what we thought was just a crash. Just feeling so awful about that loss of life. Worried that some of my students might have lost a parent. Then, we heard the news of the second plane crash, and we went into full crisis mode. This meant calling every parent and getting our kids home. All of them. A.S.A.P. I must say that teachers across the city rose to the occasion and were some of the unsung heroes that day in how they were cool, calm, collected, and supportive of the students given the circumstances. It was tough not to want to get home and take care of my own, but that had to wait on 9/11. Eventually, we got every kid safely home with a parent or caregiver. Then, it was time to attempt a trip home. As I walked across town, I saw no cars in the streets, which was surreal. And scary. What did this all mean? Was my hometown safe? I walked over to my old school to see my good friend, Erik. He offered to let me crash at his place if I couldn't make it home. It was helpful to go to a place of comfort in that moment. I heard that some trains were running again, so I went with some former colleagues to make a trip home, that didn't come without risk, since we had no idea if we were still under attack. Although it was packed beyond  belief on the train, it was one of the most pleasant subway experiences I have ever had. People were so respectful of each other. So thoughtful and concerned for each other's welfare in this tough time. I only wish we could be like that every day instead of after a devastating incident. I did make it home to Brooklyn that day. What was once a highlight view of the Twin Towers from my courtyard, was now a cloud of smoke. I spent many an evening after that day looking at what remained of the towers and trying to make some sense of what happened. I'll let you know when I do.

I Want My Daughter To See Me Cry.

Recently, I had a moment when I thought of my grandmother, who passed away only months before Camilla's birth. This brought tears to my eyes. It made me think about the type of man I want to be for my daughter. I don't want to hold back my emotions. I want to be sensitive. I want to be thoughtful and concerned. I want her to know that it is not only o.k. for her father to cry when the moment hits him, but that is o.k. for any man to do so. I don't subscribe to many stereotypes, so it should not come as a surprise to hear me say that I don't believe in that old one that men should not cry. I truly believe that crying does not define masculinity. I chose to define it broadly. Besides, many of us think of male professional athletes as the epitome of masculinity. Yet, we don't question for a moment when they cry after winning a championship. One of the lasting images of Michael Jordan is that of him holding the Larry O'Brien Trophy crying while thinking about the loss of his father. Can that be a lasting image of masculinity as well? I know it is unrealistic to think that everyone will buy into this. A man can define manhood any way he deems fit. But I would hope that we won't hold it against someone who is comfortable enough to let the tears flow. All I know is that I am comfortable saying I want my daughter to see me cry.

Carol Dweck and Praising Your Child

I have become a disciple of Carol Dweck who has done work that has focused on the impact of praise on children. For instance, telling a child how smart s/he is versus praising the effort and the result. Rather than continue to summarize her research, I have included a link to a New York Magazine article that focused on children and praise. Check it out!

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Camilla Explains It All Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jq0d-JAAUk

Slow Down

About a month ago, I was heading to Target with my daughter. We went without the stroller, so we used the escalator. For the most part, we have always been just fine sans stroller. However, that day was different. A woman decided to be in a hurry. So much so that she decided to that she should move my two year old daughter out of her way on a moving escalator. Needless to say, I was not pleased. I first reminded her to not touch my daughter, especially without her or my permission. Next, I reminded her that it is problematic at best to make a young child move on an escalator. Finally, I shared something I learned years ago when I was starting out as an educator. This motto has really been quite helpful as I have transitioned into parenthood. Children are here to remind us to slow down. (Insert an expletive for dramatic effect if you'd like.)  Doesn't matter if you are a parent, teacher, or woman walking up an escalator. Patience is essential.  Sometimes, you need to remember to slow the ----- down. As she continued her ascent laughing nervously, I was pleased to see another woman smile and nod in agreement. 

Camilla Explains It All Part I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naW3R9YPT7Q&feature=youtu.be

We are the 15%

http://wearethe15percent.com/post/57083599587/christopher-camilla-jenelle-new-york-ny

Yep, that is my family in the picture. I identify as Black. My wife is White. Our child is blended, multiracial. (Black, White, Cuban, Seminole) We are part of the growing group of Americans in multiracial marriages. According to the most recent census, 15% of new marriages were interracial. So, we are excited to be a part of the project in the above link. But, you know, it's interesting. After posting this link on Facebook, there were many wonderful comments. Very cool actually. However, most of these comments focused on the picture. Are comments focusing on only the picture problematic? Not exactly. They are potentially missing the point. Here's why. These comments did not acknowledge the reason why the picture was on Facebook. Participation in a wonderful, thought-provoking, 21st Century project. It's not about the cuteness of the picture. It's about being a part of this. Celebrating a partnership still not fully embraced by American society. (If you doubt this, look at the reaction to that Cheerios commercial featuring a multiracial family.) Most importantly, posting this picture was validating my daughter's experience. This is what her family looks like. And there isn't anything wrong with that. The people who made these comments might have been showing their support by sharing some nice thoughts, but I still came away feeling a lack of affirmation of my daughter's identity. Did people even look at the site? I hope so. But, I did send a friend a link to the site, and she asked me what was the 15%, even though it was clearly explained on the website. Perhaps people were avoiding the obvious due to some level of discomfort acknowledging a topic connected to race. If that is the case, I challenge people, especially white allies, to lean into discomfort. Discussing race does not equal being racist.

As a black father of a lighter skinned daughter, I certainly receive looks often as I walk with her. Am I surprised? Nope. I am surprised that people are so transparent and obvious and that they are making a lot of assumptions about me and my situation. I wholeheartedly believe that people are entitled to their opinions. I don't have to respect or agree with them, but that is a right of this country. My daughter is reminded that we are a family. That her parents not only love her, but each other. That we are happy that we found each other. I certainly didn't wake up one day with a strong desire or preference to get with a white woman. I just found someone who understands me and loves me for who I am. I think I grew up picturing that I would marry someone who looked like me. Now, I can't picture being with anyone other than my spouse. Race just continues to dumbfound so much of our country. I feel there are people close to me fearful of acknowledging not just my race, but race in general. I don't think this is only because of a lack of the right vocabulary. I think this is more avoidance. None of this is easy, but working hard to not have conversations involving race can alienate people of color. Finally, I do hope that people avoid the concept of "color blindness" because it's not only impossible, given our country's history and the impact of the media, but also potentially disrespectful to "not notice" someone's race.