Dear Dr. King,
Happy Birthday, Sir. It's that time of year again when we spend time celebrating your enduring legacy. What a legacy it is! Thank you for your efforts, your determination, your confidence, and your focus. I promise you that I will not spend this time on some luxurious weekend skiing or sunning. I will spend this time paying proper tribute to all that you sacrificed to help make my current family an honest reality. You know what, Dr. King? I don't just think about you for a couple of days or weeks in January. I try to do some level of this good work 365, 24/7. I remain committed to fighting this fight and hope that the people in my family's life will join this if they have not already done so. But, I can only truly speak of my efforts. Here's what I promise, Dr. King. I will not stand quietly. You did not do what you did for people to be bystanders. Ignorance and bigotry will not reign supreme in my presence. To those who feel they need to question my choice of spouse and the racial makeup of my daughter, I will not stand quietly. To those who hide behind the first amendment, religion, liberalism, or conservatism so that they can say hurtful things, and to those who blindly and ignorantly defend those people without thinking of the often life threatening consequences of those statements, I will not stand quietly. To those who try to excuse racism for some reason without trying to understand why someone had his or her feelings hurt, I will not stand quietly. I owe you and the people who came before me this vigilant approach. After all, you once said that, "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Once again, I thank you, Dr. King.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2013.
2013 was a monumental year for me. So much happened that I thought I should write a blog entry running through this amazing year.
January
My wife and I attended the Presidential Inauguration. I still regret not making every effort to attend President Obama's first inauguration, but thankfully, we were to still be a part of history. We even ran into W. Kamau Bell. I was able to attend a taping of Totally Biased a fee days later as well and talk to Bell after the taping.
February
Jenelle's Ravens won the Super Bowl, which is the third total Super Bowl total our favorite NFL teams have won during our relationship/marriage.
My daughter experienced her first big snowfall. She was so fascinated by snow.
We also visited and were admitted to preschool with minimal stress and drama.
Finally, we took our daughter to Sesame Street Live.
March
2nd birthday! Crazy Sesame Street money! Jenelle's half marathon, Soccer class starts. Aunt Lindsay visits!
April
I went to LA for the first time. Dodgers, high school friends, and the best host ever! No more daycare for my daughter.
May
Graduation from Columbia. Masters Degree! 'Nuff Said.
June
Liberty Father's Day game! Photobombing Allan Houston.
I started to attend events with the NYC Dad's group. And just like that, my daughter and I were featured in Time Out for Kids and CBS News pieces. I also went to the NBA Draft and witnessed a fellow Bucknellian get drafted!
July
MLB Fanfest. Potty training!
SI Yanks-running the bases! (And no issues with nap or potty.) My daughter's 1st Haircut. And I met Aisha Tyler!
August
We moved to Harlem. Back home.
I appeared on The Dr. Oz Show. Topless.
Big girl bed for my kid! And no more pacifier. Jay-Z/Justin Show. What a great gift for my Master's, J!
September
Preschool! A truly great fit for my child. She was so ready. I returned to the classroom part time. Seems quite right. I turned 40. And got a Tag Heuer. Sweet!
October
Vegas for my 40th! I even had a good friend come, too. Yay, Lindsay!
I met Nick Offerman a.k.a. Ron Swanson! Halloween was fun as my daughter was Andy Summers of The Police and Wonder Woman.
November
My daughter and I met Julianne Moore at a book signing. Our 5th Wedding Anniversary, and we did a stay-cation in Manhattan. We also took C. bowling for the first time.
December
We had an amazing family photo shoot that focused more on our daughter. We have considered modeling for her on and off, but after seeing her temperament during the session, as well as the photos, it's time to pursue this. Luscious Jackson returned, and we went to see them perform. I even danced with them on stage!
We went to see some of my former players play hoops. C loved it.
And we witnessed her first school performance.
Oh yeah. I also found time to start writing this blog again, for real this time. A truly amazing year. Can 2014 top it? Only time will tell.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Santa? Gifts? Kwanzaa? Questions for the holiday season.
I just want to begin by saying I began writing this entry three weeks ago. Thankfully, I waited, because there has been so much about my primary topic in the news lately.
----------------------------------------------
I have celebrated Christmas my entire life. However, I don't enjoy what I feel the holiday season has become. I am not a Grinch. Or a Scrooge. I am not a big fan of Santa Claus. I don't hold it against people who are. Seriously. My issues with Santa started, not surprisingly, when I was young. I grew up believing in the myth, but began to have questions at age 5. I grew up in the projects and barely saw white people in my community. I just didn't entirely believe that I wouldn't notice a white dude walking around with a big ol' bag of gifts in my neighborhood. Someone would have mentioned him. Then, there was the lack of a chimney and the numerous Santas stationed around NYC. I didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that Santa wasn't real. What I couldn't understand then and still have issues with now is why anyone would want to give credit for being thoughtful to some random stranger. So, my wife and I have discussed how we might want to integrate something like Santa into our daughter's Christmas experience. My wife's biggest fear is absolutely legitimate. She does not want the child who spoils Christmas for the other children in her class that celebrate it. As a big fan of pop culture, who wants the kid who doesn't at least say, "Spoiler Alert!" before ruining Christmas. All I know is I want my child to know that someone cares about her enough to give her a gift. It's not that I want credit from her, but I think she should know that her family and friends are generous and thoughtful. I feel so many of us give during this season out of obligation and not out of love and selflessness. Here is a very interesting article about gift giving that gave me pause. Truly.
Now back to Kringle. Santa might represent an aspect of Christmas, but I feel objects/symbols like him do take away from what the holiday is supposed to represent: the birth of Christ. Christmas has become bigger than that.
All of this probably makes me more of a Linus Van Pelt. Remember this.
Clearly, I am not the only person who finds Santa Claus problematic. It all began with the following article.
If you read this and felt the author was trying to literally incite a massive change in society by protest and rioting, then I might understand the pure anger behind this.
As is often the case, Jon Stewart weighed in on this maelstrom.
As did others.
So, my takeaway is that it was certainly worth a discussion with my wife about Santa Claus, Christmas imagery, and the dismissal by some of other meaningful holidays during these winter months. Because of these conversations, my family and I are strongly considering celebrating Kwanzaa this year, in addition to Christmas. As of now, we acknowledge Santa, more as a spirit of Christmas, then as a chimney hopping visitor. We'll see how long that lasts. Might have to do some creative storytelling with my daughter. Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
What Do I Share With My Daughter?
I would like to preface this by saying that I speak from the "I" perspective.
My wife and I believe in speaking with our child clearly, fairly, and intelligently. We have done so since birth. We are happy to have our thinking validated.
http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/01/the-key-to-smarter-kids-talk-to-them/
For us, we didn't adopt "baby talk" since we don't believe in talking down to her. We believe in speaking appropriately to her. I'm often reminded of a line from To Kill a Mockingbird. "Mrs Merriweather was one of those childless adults who find it necessary to assume a different tone of voice when speaking to children." We certainly encounter this phenomenon with not only strangers, but also friends and family. At least they're not as bad as what we endured at a recent playdate at a famous chain of children's party and gym spots. They added "ie" to the end of everything. You haven't lived until you've heard the word "ballie" twenty times in a five minute stretch. I am not immune to this. As much as I try, I still find that I refer to myself in the dreaded 3rd person. My daughter is old enough now so I certainly don't have to speak to her in this patronizing fashion. I have made big strides with this though.
We also don't use slang or goofy words for things that don't need them. For instance, no Boo Boo, but a scratch. What is a Boo Boo anyway? She uses words like vagina, penis, and nipple as well. I thank Logan Levkoff and her fantastic work for inspiring us and our approach. There is no reason to fear using the correct terms. If you don't know her work, check our her website and blog on the Huffington Post using the links below. Thanks, again, Logan!
http://www.loganlevkoff.com
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-logan-levkoff/
However, there is more to all of this talk about talk. We are also thinking about how we speak to our daughter about bigger issues. Not too long ago, I had an interesting conversation with my wife. (Borderline debate actually. And it's not over yet either.) We've tried to let our now 2.5 year old daughter forge her own identity by offering lots and lots of things and people as possible influences.
So, our conversation became interesting when we started to discuss our child's library. As a former independent school diversity director, I feel that a diverse library is essential. Books that challenge stereotypes, show a variety of family configurations, and have characters that look like our multiracial daughter are a must.
Where my wife and I started to differ was how much do we influence her political views. What this debate really came down to was how we were each raised. My wife says she was raised without any discussion of politics. Her parents focused on the importance of treating people with respect. I grew up differently. Although following the golden rule was just as essential in my upbringing, I was raised to be very aware of my race. And that others would also be aware of my race. We watched Roots, which continues to have an impact on me. We listened to Dr. King's I Have a Dream speech. I was read Stories for Free Children from Ms. Magazine. I was taken to pro-choice rallies. My mother worked for women's organizations. At those organizations, I befriended some of my mother's lesbian co-workers, some of whom are lesbians, who taught me a valuable lesson that love is love. My mother truly wanted me to be a more modern and sensitive male. (Think it worked, Mom. Thanks.)
This debate and my contemplation after have led me to these conclusions.
1) I am convinced that people in underrepresented groups do not have the luxury or privilege of being quiet and letting views develop on their own, especially when fighting for civil rights is part of your history.
2) I remain convinced that by the general nature of my daughter's "village" and her diverse library, she would most likely lean liberal.
But, are we obligated to raise a child to believe the same essential things that we hold true? It seems as if the majority of the people who support these essentials (i.e. marriage equality, fair pay for women, racism still exists) are liberal and Democrats. Should we subtly and not so subtly influence her to vote along these same party lines? I am thinking more and more that the answer to this is yes. Not because I want to impose my will. But because I feel it is the right thing to do. And I want our family to be on the right side of history when it comes to these issues. To be fair, my wife makes some great points about holding back the political nature of some of our comments. I just wish some of these issues were not so politicized. So, we will continue this conversation.
My wife and I believe in speaking with our child clearly, fairly, and intelligently. We have done so since birth. We are happy to have our thinking validated.
http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/01/the-key-to-smarter-kids-talk-to-them/
For us, we didn't adopt "baby talk" since we don't believe in talking down to her. We believe in speaking appropriately to her. I'm often reminded of a line from To Kill a Mockingbird. "Mrs Merriweather was one of those childless adults who find it necessary to assume a different tone of voice when speaking to children." We certainly encounter this phenomenon with not only strangers, but also friends and family. At least they're not as bad as what we endured at a recent playdate at a famous chain of children's party and gym spots. They added "ie" to the end of everything. You haven't lived until you've heard the word "ballie" twenty times in a five minute stretch. I am not immune to this. As much as I try, I still find that I refer to myself in the dreaded 3rd person. My daughter is old enough now so I certainly don't have to speak to her in this patronizing fashion. I have made big strides with this though.
We also don't use slang or goofy words for things that don't need them. For instance, no Boo Boo, but a scratch. What is a Boo Boo anyway? She uses words like vagina, penis, and nipple as well. I thank Logan Levkoff and her fantastic work for inspiring us and our approach. There is no reason to fear using the correct terms. If you don't know her work, check our her website and blog on the Huffington Post using the links below. Thanks, again, Logan!
http://www.loganlevkoff.com
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-logan-levkoff/
However, there is more to all of this talk about talk. We are also thinking about how we speak to our daughter about bigger issues. Not too long ago, I had an interesting conversation with my wife. (Borderline debate actually. And it's not over yet either.) We've tried to let our now 2.5 year old daughter forge her own identity by offering lots and lots of things and people as possible influences.
So, our conversation became interesting when we started to discuss our child's library. As a former independent school diversity director, I feel that a diverse library is essential. Books that challenge stereotypes, show a variety of family configurations, and have characters that look like our multiracial daughter are a must.
Where my wife and I started to differ was how much do we influence her political views. What this debate really came down to was how we were each raised. My wife says she was raised without any discussion of politics. Her parents focused on the importance of treating people with respect. I grew up differently. Although following the golden rule was just as essential in my upbringing, I was raised to be very aware of my race. And that others would also be aware of my race. We watched Roots, which continues to have an impact on me. We listened to Dr. King's I Have a Dream speech. I was read Stories for Free Children from Ms. Magazine. I was taken to pro-choice rallies. My mother worked for women's organizations. At those organizations, I befriended some of my mother's lesbian co-workers, some of whom are lesbians, who taught me a valuable lesson that love is love. My mother truly wanted me to be a more modern and sensitive male. (Think it worked, Mom. Thanks.)
This debate and my contemplation after have led me to these conclusions.
1) I am convinced that people in underrepresented groups do not have the luxury or privilege of being quiet and letting views develop on their own, especially when fighting for civil rights is part of your history.
2) I remain convinced that by the general nature of my daughter's "village" and her diverse library, she would most likely lean liberal.
But, are we obligated to raise a child to believe the same essential things that we hold true? It seems as if the majority of the people who support these essentials (i.e. marriage equality, fair pay for women, racism still exists) are liberal and Democrats. Should we subtly and not so subtly influence her to vote along these same party lines? I am thinking more and more that the answer to this is yes. Not because I want to impose my will. But because I feel it is the right thing to do. And I want our family to be on the right side of history when it comes to these issues. To be fair, my wife makes some great points about holding back the political nature of some of our comments. I just wish some of these issues were not so politicized. So, we will continue this conversation.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Race: Visualizing Change
Check this out!
http://proof.nationalgeographic.com/2013/09/17/visualizing-change/?goback=.gde_3740047_member_5797845005682884608#%21
Speaking of race, the organization, Border Crossers has been doing some excellent work in regards to race and discussing race with children. Their mission: Border Crossers trains and equips educators to be leaders of racial justice in their schools and communities. We believe that if educators are prepared to have meaningful conversations about identity and equity, students will be able interrupt patterns of racism and injustice in their own lives and thrive in a multicultural society.
This is incredibly valuable work. Check out the website and support their current drive. Money well spent!
http://www.bordercrossers.org/who-we-are/
http://proof.nationalgeographic.com/2013/09/17/visualizing-change/?goback=.gde_3740047_member_5797845005682884608#%21
Speaking of race, the organization, Border Crossers has been doing some excellent work in regards to race and discussing race with children. Their mission: Border Crossers trains and equips educators to be leaders of racial justice in their schools and communities. We believe that if educators are prepared to have meaningful conversations about identity and equity, students will be able interrupt patterns of racism and injustice in their own lives and thrive in a multicultural society.
This is incredibly valuable work. Check out the website and support their current drive. Money well spent!
http://www.bordercrossers.org/who-we-are/
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Waterworks
FYI. There are some spoilers in this entry. Read at your own risk. :)
The Best Man Holiday-I was a mess. Sick parent who might not see her kids again. Done. Waterworks.
Road to Perdition-I cried at moments throughout, but at no point more than the end, when young Michael Sullivan drops this doozy. "When people ask me if Michael Sullivan was a good man or if there was no good in him at all, I always give the same answer. I just tell them, 'He was my father.'" Waterworks.
The Pursuit of Happyness-I have tried to watch this film for the past week. I am literally only five minutes in. I cry about 30 seconds into each viewing. Seeing Will hustle to get his son to daycare in Chinatown, not their neighborhood, but the only center they could afford, is just too real. Then, Will Smith as Chris Gardner, my favorite cinematic father, says that he was 28 when he first met his father. Waterworks.
Those are just to name a few. I have also cried during family themed commercials. That Cheerios commercial with the multiracial family. Waterworks. There is a family that looks like ours! That's a reason to be emotional, right?
Reading books for the first time since becoming a parent has also changed. I read Things Fall Apart a few months ago and the relationship of the main character Okonkwo and his father as well as Okonkwo and his kids was easier to appreciate now. I can't believe this sense of clarity I had while reading it.
I used to reserve my tears for the heartwrencing death of Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The bagpipes during the funeral. Kirk getting choked up. Waterworks, since age 10.
Look, I'm not at all ashamed for being emotional. I knew life would be different as a parent. I just didn't realize I would go through so many tissues. And wipes. Can't beat their softness. To be fair, I am not just letting the waterworks flow. I also experience other feelings. When seeing The Wolf of Wall Street, I was infuriated when Jordan Belfort hit his wife and put his child in complete danger. One of the more squirm inducing film moments for me.
So, I offer this as a piece of advice for those of you who are either thinking about having children or have young children. There is a good chance you might cry more than you ever have before. And that's just fine. Just stock up on the wipes.
What films/books/commercials/etc. make those of you with children break out the ol' waterworks?
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Elitist Bowling
My wife and I decided that we wanted to bowl during our Anniversary StayCation. We headed to Bowlmor by Union Square (NYC for those unfamiliar). When we went in, I noticed this sign. I do take this sign as very coded language. Bowlmor can say what they want, but it is clear they are doing some profiling. And their top floor houses the Greenwich Village Country Club. We decided to do something else instead. Besides the fact, when did I have to start dressing up to bowl.
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