When it comes to hair, I am incredibly self-aware. Nowadays, I don't have any hair on my head, but back in the day, I was known to rock a high top fade. In some ways, I don't pine for the days of hair and roses. Having a shaved head has helped me avoid something that was very difficult for me in my youth. I constantly had to deal with the novelty my hair was for my white friends and classmates. People very often touched my hair, which was usually meticulously combed. Asking me questions about it. Making awful, inappropriate jokes. Let's just say I showed remarkable restraint. As an adult, I looked for opportunities to educate. During my years as an English teacher, I taught a short story that focused on a young Mexican boy's quest for a hair cut in his small Texas town. This boy was told by the white barber that his hair was too greasy, so the barber wouldn't cut his hair. My class began to develop an understanding of how hair and culture are connected. I was hoping that future generations would be more sensitive when it came to this topic.
I remind you that my daughter is multiracial. I am beginning to notice how often people make comments about my daughter's hair. The novelty is back, and so are those old feelings. "I wish I had her hair." "Look at those curls." No one is being malicious or attempting disrespect. However, I feel the need to write this and explain that many people of color like me still cringe when hair comes up as a subject, especially when it's a white person bringing it up. Hair is such a loaded topic. For example, The issues that came up around Olympic gold medalist Gabrielle Douglas and her hair. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/08/gabby-douglas-hair-debate_n_1756835.html
Then, there was this not that long ago.
http://www.theroot.com/blogs/grapevine/sheryl-underwood-slams-natural-hair
You might wonder what can you say to compliment my daughter's hair. I'm not going to tell folks what to say. I also don't want people to shy away from sharing compliments. However, I think it makes sense to at least consider why you want to comment on her hair.
Look, being sensitive and aware is hard work. Trust me. I feel these traits must be a requirement to be a part of my daughter's life. In addition, I am hoping people who might have made comments will read this and consider this and my concerns going forward. Membership in my daughter's village requires an appreciation of the experiences of people and their culture. So, I challenge folks to not shy away from diversity-themed conversations. We just want her village to be broad, beautiful, thoughtful, and inclusive. And for folks to not just notice my daughter's hair, but to also see the entire girl.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Don't be a dad on the subway with a child with a runny nose and cough
So, my daughter and I take the subway most mornings to school. To be honest, this is often not the highlight of our day. Most people push or don't offer a seat to a two year old. Not the finest examples of New Yorkers. This morning, we did receive a seat from a young man (a first for us). My daughter, who was dealing with a runny nose and a cough (but no fever!) asked me to read a book. I was happy to oblige. I noticed her nose was a little runny, but not on the verge of hitting her top lip. So, I continued to read. Soon after, a crumpled paper towel was placed in front of my face. A woman was concerned about my daughter's nose. Nice, but unnecessary considering the vast array of wipes I had in my bag. I took the paper towel and said thanks anyway. The funny thing is that wasn't it. She then proceeded to share with me how I was failing my daughter by not zipping her jacket. My daughter's jacket was actually zipped when we were outside. She asked for me to unzip it because she was getting hot on the platform waiting for the train. The best part was that another woman agreed with her and started to discuss the merits of warmth. I took it from there. If you've followed my blog, you know that I feel obligated to speak up. Especially when there has been some assumptions made based on appearance. I decided to tell these women a few things.
1) I am a VERY competent parent.
2) Her jacket was closed. When we were outside. And germs play more of a role in sickness than warmth.
3) I didn't ask for help, but if you wanted to help, you certainly could have sacrificed your seat.
4) I concluded by saying that it was important to not stereotype fathers. Don't assume incompetence. Don't offer unsolicited parenting advice.
I shared all of this without raising my voice or truly revealing just how frustrated I had become. So, we went back to the book. To be fair, I did speculate a bit. It seemed as if these women had comments because I was a dad. Clearly, that affords some people an opportunity to question my parenting skills. Let me make something clear. Don't. I won't question your parenting skills. You might have done right by your child. But my wife and I are the experts when it comes to our child. Not all children, but ours. Although children often endure the same developmental milestones, every child is different. Lots of factors effect how they are raised. When it comes down to it, I just wanted to read the book (Mem Fox's Whoever You Are) to my daughter without interruption. But being a responsible father was held against me, again.
1) I am a VERY competent parent.
2) Her jacket was closed. When we were outside. And germs play more of a role in sickness than warmth.
3) I didn't ask for help, but if you wanted to help, you certainly could have sacrificed your seat.
4) I concluded by saying that it was important to not stereotype fathers. Don't assume incompetence. Don't offer unsolicited parenting advice.
I shared all of this without raising my voice or truly revealing just how frustrated I had become. So, we went back to the book. To be fair, I did speculate a bit. It seemed as if these women had comments because I was a dad. Clearly, that affords some people an opportunity to question my parenting skills. Let me make something clear. Don't. I won't question your parenting skills. You might have done right by your child. But my wife and I are the experts when it comes to our child. Not all children, but ours. Although children often endure the same developmental milestones, every child is different. Lots of factors effect how they are raised. When it comes down to it, I just wanted to read the book (Mem Fox's Whoever You Are) to my daughter without interruption. But being a responsible father was held against me, again.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
The Brown Gothamite Turns 40: Advice For My Daughter
To my daughter,
Your old man just turned 40. Although you are starting to understand what a birthday is, you don't understand the significance of this milestone. Well, I would like to share with you some of the things I have learned during my 4 decades of exist and some things that will make my remaining time peaceful and happy. I love you very much. But not as much when you poop your pants. Here is the list.
40) Do not kick your grandmother in the behind, no matter how inviting that rump might be.
39) Do not smell a Tic Tac too hard. It will go up your nose.
38) Do not be a Mets fan. I think too highly of you. Add the Jets to that as well.
37) The figure four leg lock is one heck of a submission hold.
36) You can like both Star Trek and Star Wars.
35) Ask your mother anything science related. She's incredibly knowledgeable. Just don't entrust her with anything that can be broken, like a light saber or an iPad.
34) If you listen to hip hop, listen to old school.
33) Don't do drugs. Seriously.
32) If you have a child, please let them call me Grandpa or Granddad. Not a fan of any of those other names.
31) Make sure the bench doesn't have a wet paint sign before sitting down.
30) Learn how to drive. It can't just be your mother driving me around.
29) Read Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, and Franz Kafka. They are amazing.
28) Don't be a bystander. Be vocal. Don't let things go.
27) Genre shows can be entertaining, but they don't always know how to end (i.e. Lost and The X-Files). By the way, if they ever reboot The X-Files without the involvement of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, you better not support that.
26) Take your old man to Comic Con at some point.
25) Raylan Givens and Ron Swanson are two of the greatest television characters in history.
24) Trust Joss Whedon.
23) Don't trust Michael Bay.
22) Sports are amazing outlet and a way to learn not only about yourself, but also how to be a teammate.
21) Try to play one of these sports: soccer, field hockey, basketball, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball, and track. Just like those more.
20) For your mother's sake, don't be a Yankee fan. Or cheer for Duke Men's Basketball. But by all means, apply and attend Duke if given the chance. It is an exactly school.
19) Don't do Tavistock.
18) Seriously, don't do Tavistock
17) The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.
16) More importantly, education is essential.
15) You won't want to tell me everything. That is o.k. But, know I will always have your best interests at heart.
14) Don't buy a Young MC cd. You can just borrow your mother's.
13) My sense of humor is dry and often deadpan.
12) Don't watch modern day sitcoms that tell you when to laugh.
11) Come up with a clear definition of friendship and hold your friends to those standards.
10) Don't believe that rule that the second film in a trilogy is always the best. Two examples that ruin that rule: The Hangover Part II and Robocop 2.
9) Continue to love the music of The Police. Fingers crossed they go on tour again.
8) Love the beauty, diversity, convenience, and frustration that your hometown, New York City, provides.
7) Be proud of your heritage and learn as much about it as you can.
6) Loving family is not always easy.
5) Although you can like both Marvel and DC, Marvel is definitely a better brand. But, DC's Batman might just be the greatest comic book character ever created.
4) Embrace and enjoy technology, but understand that there is a world that certainly exists without it. Read Ray Bradbury. He'll help.
3) I don't care if you are gay or straight, you are my child, and you have my support and love.
2) Although your first president might have been Barack Obama, it doesn't mean racism is finished. You will unfortunately have to deal with ignorance and hatred. In fact, there will be some who don't approve of your mom and dad's union. But you are a creation of love. And you are loved.
1) Follow your heart and don't let anyone hold you back from your dream. Not even me. Unless it's not legal, of course.
There you have it. Hope these help and provide some guidance. I look forward to sharing the next ten in a decade.
Sincerely,
Your Father
Your old man just turned 40. Although you are starting to understand what a birthday is, you don't understand the significance of this milestone. Well, I would like to share with you some of the things I have learned during my 4 decades of exist and some things that will make my remaining time peaceful and happy. I love you very much. But not as much when you poop your pants. Here is the list.
40) Do not kick your grandmother in the behind, no matter how inviting that rump might be.
39) Do not smell a Tic Tac too hard. It will go up your nose.
38) Do not be a Mets fan. I think too highly of you. Add the Jets to that as well.
37) The figure four leg lock is one heck of a submission hold.
36) You can like both Star Trek and Star Wars.
35) Ask your mother anything science related. She's incredibly knowledgeable. Just don't entrust her with anything that can be broken, like a light saber or an iPad.
34) If you listen to hip hop, listen to old school.
33) Don't do drugs. Seriously.
32) If you have a child, please let them call me Grandpa or Granddad. Not a fan of any of those other names.
31) Make sure the bench doesn't have a wet paint sign before sitting down.
30) Learn how to drive. It can't just be your mother driving me around.
29) Read Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, and Franz Kafka. They are amazing.
28) Don't be a bystander. Be vocal. Don't let things go.
27) Genre shows can be entertaining, but they don't always know how to end (i.e. Lost and The X-Files). By the way, if they ever reboot The X-Files without the involvement of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, you better not support that.
26) Take your old man to Comic Con at some point.
25) Raylan Givens and Ron Swanson are two of the greatest television characters in history.
24) Trust Joss Whedon.
23) Don't trust Michael Bay.
22) Sports are amazing outlet and a way to learn not only about yourself, but also how to be a teammate.
21) Try to play one of these sports: soccer, field hockey, basketball, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball, and track. Just like those more.
20) For your mother's sake, don't be a Yankee fan. Or cheer for Duke Men's Basketball. But by all means, apply and attend Duke if given the chance. It is an exactly school.
19) Don't do Tavistock.
18) Seriously, don't do Tavistock
17) The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.
16) More importantly, education is essential.
15) You won't want to tell me everything. That is o.k. But, know I will always have your best interests at heart.
14) Don't buy a Young MC cd. You can just borrow your mother's.
13) My sense of humor is dry and often deadpan.
12) Don't watch modern day sitcoms that tell you when to laugh.
11) Come up with a clear definition of friendship and hold your friends to those standards.
10) Don't believe that rule that the second film in a trilogy is always the best. Two examples that ruin that rule: The Hangover Part II and Robocop 2.
9) Continue to love the music of The Police. Fingers crossed they go on tour again.
8) Love the beauty, diversity, convenience, and frustration that your hometown, New York City, provides.
7) Be proud of your heritage and learn as much about it as you can.
6) Loving family is not always easy.
5) Although you can like both Marvel and DC, Marvel is definitely a better brand. But, DC's Batman might just be the greatest comic book character ever created.
4) Embrace and enjoy technology, but understand that there is a world that certainly exists without it. Read Ray Bradbury. He'll help.
3) I don't care if you are gay or straight, you are my child, and you have my support and love.
2) Although your first president might have been Barack Obama, it doesn't mean racism is finished. You will unfortunately have to deal with ignorance and hatred. In fact, there will be some who don't approve of your mom and dad's union. But you are a creation of love. And you are loved.
1) Follow your heart and don't let anyone hold you back from your dream. Not even me. Unless it's not legal, of course.
There you have it. Hope these help and provide some guidance. I look forward to sharing the next ten in a decade.
Sincerely,
Your Father
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sensitive Male Syndrome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZjTV0F_0iA
Recently, I had an opportunity to appear on the Dr. Oz show in a fitness segment. The segment featured all men, different shapes, sizes and ethnicities. To appear on the show meant spending a good chunk of the day in a room with all these men. And appearing on national t.v. without a shirt. Doing that was certainly leaning into discomfort, but I hope that my willingness to something so bold will prove to be inspirational to my daughter. My wife asked me if the overall experience was a good one. Yes, it is fun to appear on t.v. I won't lie. But, I was reminded of why it has often been difficult for me to have male friends. I had to endure posturing, assumptions about my sexual orientation, and embracing of other male stereotypes. For instance, the need to ignore the fact that we were there for a show taping. I thought it was a good opportunity to sit and reflect. One of the segments featured processing hair, something that many black women do, but is not at all exclusive to them. As a parent of a girl, and a multiracial one at that, I watched the filming of that segment hoping to gain some knowledge and understanding that I might be able to use with my daughter in the future. But, many of the men were talking loudly during segments, sometimes even objectifying women. There was also a segment featuring a woman who was having trouble communicating with her children and only used yelling to do so. It was having an awful effect on her heart's health. She opened up and revealed how she was never listened to as a child, clearly a new revelation for this brave woman to share with a national audience. (I actually later thanked her for this bravery and honesty.) Unfortunately, this was lost on most of my fellow men in the green room.
A woman observed my parenting on the train recently and told me I should be commended. I was resentful at first. I do want to rise above stereotypes. And my parenting and time invested in my daughter's development is unfortunately still perceived as something few fathers do. But after my experience in the green room, I'm starting to appreciate her comment.
Recently, I had an opportunity to appear on the Dr. Oz show in a fitness segment. The segment featured all men, different shapes, sizes and ethnicities. To appear on the show meant spending a good chunk of the day in a room with all these men. And appearing on national t.v. without a shirt. Doing that was certainly leaning into discomfort, but I hope that my willingness to something so bold will prove to be inspirational to my daughter. My wife asked me if the overall experience was a good one. Yes, it is fun to appear on t.v. I won't lie. But, I was reminded of why it has often been difficult for me to have male friends. I had to endure posturing, assumptions about my sexual orientation, and embracing of other male stereotypes. For instance, the need to ignore the fact that we were there for a show taping. I thought it was a good opportunity to sit and reflect. One of the segments featured processing hair, something that many black women do, but is not at all exclusive to them. As a parent of a girl, and a multiracial one at that, I watched the filming of that segment hoping to gain some knowledge and understanding that I might be able to use with my daughter in the future. But, many of the men were talking loudly during segments, sometimes even objectifying women. There was also a segment featuring a woman who was having trouble communicating with her children and only used yelling to do so. It was having an awful effect on her heart's health. She opened up and revealed how she was never listened to as a child, clearly a new revelation for this brave woman to share with a national audience. (I actually later thanked her for this bravery and honesty.) Unfortunately, this was lost on most of my fellow men in the green room.
A woman observed my parenting on the train recently and told me I should be commended. I was resentful at first. I do want to rise above stereotypes. And my parenting and time invested in my daughter's development is unfortunately still perceived as something few fathers do. But after my experience in the green room, I'm starting to appreciate her comment.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Thoughts on 9/11/2013
September 11, 2013 is the first day of my daughter's official educational experience. As most parents know, that really begins at birth. But, this is her first day of preschool. I could not be more excited about witnessing her growth as a preschool student. We are not putting pressure on her to be anything other than happy. We trust our school to do right by our child. It is especially exciting having been an educator for so long. I will certainly remember this day. However, 9/11 is still such a difficult day in America and New York especially. I am reminded of my 9/11 experience. I am blessed not to have lost someone close. I do remember being nervous about losing some of my college buddies who worked in the area. I was far enough away I was in my second day of work at my new school. We were reeling from the loss of a parent of one of our 8th graders. So, these 8th graders came back after spending the previous day supporting their distraught friend only to find out about these attacks. I was numb when I was told about what we thought was just a crash. Just feeling so awful about that loss of life. Worried that some of my students might have lost a parent. Then, we heard the news of the second plane crash, and we went into full crisis mode. This meant calling every parent and getting our kids home. All of them. A.S.A.P. I must say that teachers across the city rose to the occasion and were some of the unsung heroes that day in how they were cool, calm, collected, and supportive of the students given the circumstances. It was tough not to want to get home and take care of my own, but that had to wait on 9/11. Eventually, we got every kid safely home with a parent or caregiver. Then, it was time to attempt a trip home. As I walked across town, I saw no cars in the streets, which was surreal. And scary. What did this all mean? Was my hometown safe? I walked over to my old school to see my good friend, Erik. He offered to let me crash at his place if I couldn't make it home. It was helpful to go to a place of comfort in that moment. I heard that some trains were running again, so I went with some former colleagues to make a trip home, that didn't come without risk, since we had no idea if we were still under attack. Although it was packed beyond belief on the train, it was one of the most pleasant subway experiences I have ever had. People were so respectful of each other. So thoughtful and concerned for each other's welfare in this tough time. I only wish we could be like that every day instead of after a devastating incident. I did make it home to Brooklyn that day. What was once a highlight view of the Twin Towers from my courtyard, was now a cloud of smoke. I spent many an evening after that day looking at what remained of the towers and trying to make some sense of what happened. I'll let you know when I do.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
I Want My Daughter To See Me Cry.
Recently, I had a moment when I thought of my grandmother, who passed away only months before Camilla's birth. This brought tears to my eyes. It made me think about the type of man I want to be for my daughter. I don't want to hold back my emotions. I want to be sensitive. I want to be thoughtful and concerned. I want her to know that it is not only o.k. for her father to cry when the moment hits him, but that is o.k. for any man to do so. I don't subscribe to many stereotypes, so it should not come as a surprise to hear me say that I don't believe in that old one that men should not cry. I truly believe that crying does not define masculinity. I chose to define it broadly. Besides, many of us think of male professional athletes as the epitome of masculinity. Yet, we don't question for a moment when they cry after winning a championship. One of the lasting images of Michael Jordan is that of him holding the Larry O'Brien Trophy crying while thinking about the loss of his father. Can that be a lasting image of masculinity as well? I know it is unrealistic to think that everyone will buy into this. A man can define manhood any way he deems fit. But I would hope that we won't hold it against someone who is comfortable enough to let the tears flow. All I know is that I am comfortable saying I want my daughter to see me cry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
