I am a Loser.

Apparently, I am a loser. At least that is according to the so called experts. I've heard from these experts my entire life.

These are the experts who said that my being raised by a single mother was problematic at best. 

These are the experts who felt that a woman raising a boy was just as problematic. 

These are the experts who felt that sending me to an educational program during the summer would make me a nerd. And we know what happens to nerds at school. 

These are the experts who said that my attending an all boys school that has produced such alumni as Disney's former CEO Michael Eisner, Academy Award Winner Michael Douglas, Emmy Winner Richard Thomas, Jaws author Peter Benchley, The Weitz Brothers, Writer/Producer Zak Penn, journalist Benjy Sarlin, and acclaimed director Sean Durkin among others would scar me for life.

These are the experts who questioned my attending a boarding school.

These are the experts who thought that I had wasted my education by becoming a teacher.

These are the experts who thought that teaching in independent schools was also a waste because I should be helping public school children and not the children of color who attend independent school.

These experts also questioned my marrying a white woman as a black man.

Now, experts are claiming that I am not a man because I chose to be an at home father. You see these experts claim that there is only one definition of masculinity, and that is being the primary breadwinner for a family. Anything else is part of the emasculation of America.

I have dealt with being narrowly defined all my life, as I have also been told by some of those experts that I was not black enough due to my desire to be educated and speak a certain way. Little did they know the sheer amount of time I have spent aiding the development of black youth in almost two decades in education. 

So, if I am a loser to these misguided, shortsighted individuals who embrace stereotypes, then fine. I am a loser. The biggest, most satisfied loser I know. This loser is loved. This loser is happy. 

And to those experts . . . I have spent my entire life proving you wrong. Why should I stop now?

The Fly Problem

I am ashamed of my thoughts. My daughter was afraid and all I could think about were my fears.

The day started as most have the last few years. Happiness. Love expressed throughout our family. But this day was special. It was a family day. Mommy, Daddy, and Camilla were all about spending time together and having fun. The weather was good, so we decided to venture to our local playground. Camilla was scooting and having a blast. We went to the bigger kids section of the playground, and watched our daughter not only play with some new friends but run, climb, and slide all over that place. You know, it is a joy to behold. Then, it happened. She saw flies on the slide. All of a sudden, she was frozen in fear at the top of slide, clutching the pole. We thought she had been injured, but my sweet, fun loving daughter was afraid. She did not want to slide because of these flies. After securing her safety, we began to speak with her about her fear. We explained that these flies were much more afraid of her due to her size. However, Camilla was not budging. We wanted her to attempt to conquer this fear, otherwise it was going to be a long summer. Playdates, summer concerts, and the joys of the track and turf we frequent might be on hold. We asked her if it looked as if the other children were afraid of flies. She said no. We could tell we made progress with that comment. She was clearly beginning to process and use logic. My wife said to not let those flies take away your fun. This comment definitely helped, because she was willing to walk back to the slide. At this moment, I decided to share a fear that I had. I told Camilla that I am very much fearful of bees. I asked her if she could tell that when we have encountered bees. She said no. I explained that you can still have fun and be yourself and have fears. Thankfully, our discussions with Camilla led her to decide to try the slide again. And enjoy her time outside. Crisis averted. For now.

But, I am not pleased with my thoughts. I shamefully began to think about what this meant for me and not her when she initially expressed her fear. I started to feel embarrassed. I did not immediately think about how to aid my daughter. I am not entirely sure why this was the case. This is certainly not the way I have approached my marriage and my parenting. I have been a much more selfless person since I met my wife. Perhaps I had an Okonkwo moment. The character from Things Fall Apart puts an unfair amount of pressure on his children based on his disappointing relationship with his father. I know all too well about disappointing relationships with a father. Perhaps it is impossible not to deal with your personal baggage as a parent. I believe now that my challenge is not to let this baggage handcuff me. I can have expectations of her, but they must be fair and realistic. I need to provide support when she needs it. I need to show her my humanity. 

For my thoughts, I remain ashamed. But, I promise this much. I will put aside my fears the next time she is fearful. I'm putting her needs way ahead of what someone else might think of my daughter.

I will continue to aid Camilla's development into the best Camilla she can be. I can live with that.

Laughter, Tears, and Braids: A Father's Journey Through Losing His Wife to Cancer By Bruce Ham

I recently did this review for the NYC Dads Group.

"Different people take on different roles

as you move through illness."

One of the situations anyone who has a spouse or partner fears most is the loss of said spouse or partner. This situation is exasperated when there are children involved. This is what unfortunately happened to Bruce Ham.
In his harrowing, yet inspirational book, Laughter, Tears, and Braids: A Father's Journey Through Losing His Wife to Cancer, Ham shares just how challenging losing one's spouse at a young age can be. It takes great courage to write about such a life altering event. For that reason alone, this book is a must read.
However, it is Ham's brutally honest and revealing storytelling inLaughter, Tears, and Braids that makes this book so memorable. 

"I spent the majority of my life  waiting for this moment.

I was raised to expect that the worst possible thing would happen."

Ham takes on his journey. He rediscovers what it means to be a parent and a role model. 

"On the day we inurned her mother,

on what would have been her 40th birthday,

my oldest daughter started her period.

She was becoming a woman.

And in a way, I guess, I was becoming a man."

Ham's writing shows how gifted he is at crafting stories. It is hard not to become invested in Ham and his daughters. He shares emails and journal entries that reveal just how daunting this experience was for he and his wife. From the wait to see if his wife could physically handle chemotherapy to a debate over a vasectomy, Ham takes us through each decision in a thoughtful and insightful manner. His openness is on full display throughout this book. He shares when he was scared, confused, and proud. 

As depressing as the first two-thirds of the book is, the remaining third is truly inspirational. It is difficult not to be impressed with Ham's resolve, especially as a parent. I recommend reading Laughter, Tears, and Braids since it is reminder of how much life experiences continue our evolution as people. 

Waterworks

FYI. There are some spoilers in this entry. Read at your own risk. :)

I love being a husband and father. Truly. People offered advice to me on being both. Honestly, nearly all of it was not helpful. Or honest. You see, I think they were holding back. All everyone focused on was poop for some reason. Honestly, the sheer amount of poop was of great concern to me, but no one told me that everything remotely connected to being a father would make me cry. Yep. When I became a father seems like everything started to make me cry. 

The Best Man Holiday-I was a mess. Sick parent who might not see her kids again. Done. Waterworks.

Road to Perdition-I cried at moments throughout, but at no point more than the end, when young Michael Sullivan drops this doozy. "When people ask me if Michael Sullivan was a good man or if there was no good in him at all, I always give the same answer. I just tell them, 'He was my father.'" Waterworks. 

The Pursuit of Happyness-I have tried to watch this film for the past week. I am literally only five minutes in. I cry about 30 seconds into each viewing. Seeing Will hustle to get his son to daycare in Chinatown, not their neighborhood, but the only center they could afford, is just too real. Then, Will Smith as Chris Gardner, my favorite cinematic father, says that he was 28 when he first met his father. Waterworks. 

Those are just to name a few. I have also cried during family themed commercials. That Cheerios commercial with the multiracial family. Waterworks. There is a family that looks like ours! That's a reason to be emotional, right? 

Reading books for the first time since becoming a parent has also changed. I read Things Fall Apart a few months ago and the relationship of the main character Okonkwo and his father as well as Okonkwo and his kids was easier to appreciate now. I can't believe this sense of clarity I had while reading it. 

I used to reserve my tears for the heartwrenching death of Spock in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The bagpipes during the funeral. Kirk getting choked up. Waterworks, since age 10. 

Look, I'm not at all ashamed for being emotional. I knew life would be different as a parent. I just didn't realize I would go through so many tissues. And wipes. Can't beat their softness. To be fair, I am not just letting the waterworks flow. I also experience other feelings. When seeing The Wolf of Wall Street, I was infuriated when Jordan Belfort hit his wife and put his child in complete danger. One of the more squirm inducing film moments for me. 

So, I offer this as a piece of advice for those of you who are either thinking about having children or have young children. There is a good chance you might cry more than you ever have before. And that's just fine. Just stock up on the wipes.

What films/books/commercials/etc. make those of you with children break out the ol' waterworks?

Pepper For The Win!

I love sports. I am a big fan of athletic competitions. Sports were a big part of my identity as a young man, and the lessons I learned as a teammate have helped me tremendously as an educator and husband. My wife feels the same. We both played competitive sports for years. My wife even played at the collegiate level. I was recruited to run track for a Division 1 institution, but I decided to focus on my studies. No, seriously. O.k. and other things, too. :) Anyway, we have numerous family members who have played collegiate athletics. My father played hoops. I even have a grandfather who was a pro fighter. Genetics might be on our side. We both want our daughter to play sports. We view them as not only fun, but great for exercise. The lessons she can learn through sportsmanship, teamwork, and winning and losing can be life altering. 

As a long time basketball coach, I know what it looks like to be an over the top crazed parent in the stands. We will not be those parents. However, I worry about putting pressure on Camilla. Nothing would please me more than to have her be the next Diana Taurasi or Candace Parker on the basketball court. As much as I enjoyed being an athlete, it has been much more rewarding to be a coach and cheer. I'm sure that being a parent and watching my girl cross over a defender and leave her with some heavily damaged ankles would bring me much happiness. I definitely want my daughter to enjoy life and find things that interest her. Legal things, so don't get it twisted.  But will I be disappointed if sports is not one of those interests? Perhaps. (Can I make that a strong perhaps.) However, what I want most is for her to find a passion. It can be art, politics, music, outer space, or teaching. I just want my daughter to develop a passion for something and hopefully have a positive impact on society. Until that happens, we'll let her try her hand at a number of things, including sports and ballet. 

You know what though? It has been interesting to watch Camilla in soccer class. She has been taking soccer for about a year, and she certainly shows grit and resolve if not talent. She is currently in a soccer class where she is the only girl. The boys are unfortunately lacking any discipline. In addition, they have not been very friendly or cooperative. Camilla does not appreciate that, as she is a kind, thoughtful young girl. But, she can hold her own. Recently, she was kicking the ball in a drill and it went towards a boy without a ball. He proceeded to take Camilla's ball and dribble away. My daughter yelled, "Hey, that's my ball," and grabbed the ball. The boy then started to wrestle with Camilla for the ball. My much smaller daughter did not relinquish the ball until one of the coaches arrived. Nice to see she can hold her own. 

What else has been interesting is her coaching. Most of her coaches have been fantastic. Patient. Funny. Helpful. But, there have been a couple who have treated her in a very patronizing fashion. The usual sign is that they will hold her hand during drills and not hold the hand of any of the boys in the class. This video is an example of this. 

This coach, unfortunately, did not let Camilla have a chance to make mistakes or take some time to work her way through a drill. He chose to hold her hand and walk her through everything. Before even seeing her skill level. To me, it seemed he treated her differently, because she is a girl. It shouldn't surprise you that I had something to say to this coach after class. I am always respectful, but it is imperative that people are made aware of how we treat girls and boys. We don't want our daughter to think she is less than anyone else. 

We will see how sports works out for Camilla. She will inevitably be impacted by where we decide to live, her school, her friends, and her family. I would not be devastated at all if she takes her talents to something else. It will be exciting to support her passion, especially one that I am not as familiar with, because she could teach me something new. But, it would be really cool to be in the stands when she hits a buzzer beater to score her 1000th career point. Pepper for the win!

A Not So Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Subway

I was walking to the subway holding and hugging my now three year old daughter recently, when I heard a man walking by us say, "Black women are the best!" The man walked by us and smirked while making this comment. He had most likely assumed that my daughter was the result of a union between a black man and white woman. It certainly seemed this comment was aimed toward us.

I leaned into discomfort and said to the man that if he had something to say, don't say it under your breath.  Tell us to our faces. That's right. I told this man "us". Tell my daughter to her face that her parents shouldn't be together. He looked quite shocked that I said something. He actually apologized and said he meant nothing against my daughter. I could certainly look at this as a moral victory. However, it didn't feel as good as I would have liked.

I knew to expect these types of comments or looks, being a black male married to a white women. But, I'm tired of this. Don't bring this attitude to my daughter, who represents a bond made of love. The argument against my union is that I have turned my back on my race. I believe this is a cope out. I am a proud black man. I have worked my entire adult life to support and empower children, specifically children of color, and especially African-American children. If you spend 30 minutes with me, you know my heritage is one of the first three ways I identify. I am convinced that people need to focus on their own (ahem) stuff, and let me focus on my own. 

Eventually, I will have to talk to my daughter about racism and prejudice in much more detail. I am not sure about all the aspects of this inevitable conversation, but I do know the theme will be to stay true to herself while honoring her multiracial heritage. We can't avoid these comments, but I can empower her to know there is nothing wrong with her family. Nothing.

My Idol: How My Daughter Inspires Me

I am not Matthew McConaghey. I am not my own idol. You might be surprised who my idol is. My idol is my three year old daughter. How could a three year old be an idol of someone who is almost 40 years her senior? How could someone who can't care for herself inspire me? Oh, let me count the ways.

She expresses love, a lot. 

My daughter truly has unconditional love for me and her mother. She tells us this without prodding or training. She loves me and expresses this often. We don't do this nearly enough as a society, and it has certainly inspired me to show my love to my wife and child as often as possible.

She is willing to forgive.

She doesn't hold it against me yet when she is disciplined or told no. And she is especially forgiving after some rest. Hopefully, her eventual loss of an afternoon nap doesn't change this too much.

She is resilient.

She recently endured a trip to the hospital. Not only was she unfazed by being in an ambulance, but she handled having an IV put into her hand, more than once! She is taking a soccer class where she is the only girl. She initially was taken aback by that. Then, she decided that the actions of the boys should not ruin her enjoyment. Since this will not be the only time she will be "one of" or "the only", it is important that she has these experiences early. Thankfully, she handles them well. In addition, if you ask her why do we fall down, she will answer, "To get back up." Yeah, my parenting is totally influenced by pop culture. I also quote Aaliyah. "Camilla, if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again." And Uncle Jay. "Camilla. Get. That. Dirt off your shoulder." But, I digress.

She is willing to try new things.

Especially food!

She has strong observational skills.

What she notices is remarkable. She recently noticed a mistake in her Doc McStuffins book. I have read this to her dozens of times since we bought the book, and I never noticed it. Adults just don't seem to notice the things three year olds do. It is certainly a reminder to not take so much for granted. 

And, she said this. "You're not like the other dads. You're brown. But I'm brown, too. And that's good. And we love each other. And we have happy faces."

So, my daughter at age 3 is my idol. I am not ashamed to say this. Simply put, she is a model of kindness and is the type of human being I aspire to be. Here's hoping my daughter at age 16 is still my idol. :)